Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ugh.

Can I just be honest? I feel like a failure at life many of my days. I hate that I feel this way about myself, but it's true. There are SO many areas of my life that I feel like I totally suck at. Wife, mom, daycare provider, Christian, keeper of the home, etc. etc. I don't love my husband well, I yell at Chloe for little things, I don't plan enough activities for the kids, the laundry piles up and the floor isn't mopped as much as it should be. I'm losing grasp on eating well and feeling good about my body. I don't spend my time wisely most of the time. It feels like a losing battle. I make great plans of being better, of getting more done, of spending more time with God, of being a better mom and I continue to come up short.

Tears are filling my eyes because deep down I'm realizing that I just really don't even like myself.

I work really hard to be a happy, loving person and I think I do a pretty good job on the "outside", but inside I'm struggling. I know some of this has to do with our infertility. The thing I can't control I suck at (making a baby) and the things I can control I suck at as well. It pisses me off that I even feel this way. I want to feel love and joy and happiness in this life (hence the name of this little blog). I don't want to walk around feeling like an idiot all the time. It's annoying.

I continue to tell myself if I DO more, then I'll feel better about myself. But I'm not sure that's even true.

I hate sounding like a rambling, whiny baby and I know I do. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want, right? ;)

I am continuing to read One Thousand Gifts and it is starting to change my heart and to help me see the good that God has given us in this world. Why can't I see that I am good?

Am I alone in this?


6 comments:

Laura said...

Ash, you are not alone in this. I am constantly battling those self doubt and self trash talk that happens. I feel that all the time and we don't have kids yet. It's hard being a woman, a christian woman, a christian woman that's a mom and a wife. You have a lot on your plate. Be encouraged that you are doing it. God doesn't ask us to be superpeople he asks us to be his. Thinking about just being his helps me get back to the basics that if I am just Gods then everything else can work itself out. You are a huge encouragement to me. Let that count for something :)

Ashleigh said...

Thank you, Laura. Sometimes the feelings are so crushing. I don't want to live my life not liking myself, ya know? Thanks for the reminder that being God's IS enough!

MissMolly said...

I know that this came from a place of frustration and not to fish for compliments, but I'm going to take a minute to tell you how awesome you are!

Ashleigh, everything that you do is about others. You stay at home with your daughter so that she can have the very best upbringing. You care for others' children. You are pursuing your passion of childbirth so that you can help other mothers have a wonderful birth experience. I'm sure it is hard to focus and feel great about yourself when you spend so much time thinking of everyone else.

Every time I see you, you look skinnier and have a cuter hair cut! You have an amazingly beautiful and SMART daughter that you made! Plus an awesome husband, beautiful home and a pretty cute lab :)

I hope it gets better, because, you are pretty great!

Kourtney said...

I could have written that myself, word for word. I've been going to counseling for the last month or two (BEST thing I have EVER done for myself, btw!!) and the lady I talk with said something that will stick with me forever.
She asked if when Kolton is trying to learn a new word, and he says it wrong or directs it to the wrong object, if I get mad at him and scold him or think he's a failure. I thought to myself, absolutely not!! What is this woman trying to get at?! I told her no way and explained why. She said, don't you think that's how God feels toward you? If the Bible is accurate in describing His immense love for His children, then it absolutely is how he thinks of us!
I am a perfectionist to the extreme and so hard on myself in every way, like you described of yourself in this post. This was a hard concept for me to try to grasp, but it just hit me right at my core like a TON of rocks. God knows we're human and that we CANNOT be perfect. It's simply not possible. He doesn't expect us to be. He knows our hearts and our desires and is so proud of us for trying. Over and over again. As long as we never throw in the towel, he is proud of our efforts.
Another good point my counselor made was that when you get down on yourself, it opens a door for Satan to keep you down and continue deceiving you. I've found that when I try not to be as hard on myself, it's easier to get back up and keep on trying! It's just a new mindset.
REALLY, TRULY try to see yourself as God does. If you are having a hard time even liking yourself right now, that is Satan deceiving you!
Think of how proud you are of Chloe and the new things she learns. When she is trying to do something new or better a skill, but doesn't do it as well as she wants, are you not still so proud of her for trying?! Multiply that by a billion kajillion and that's not even close to the love and pride God feels for you as His child. :-)

BG said...

I'm so sorry you feel this way!! You are certainly not alone!

Have you ever seen a counselor about your infertility issues - or even just how you are feeling? I find when I'm in those moments that I feel are crushing, I often have unresolved feelings deeper underneath. These are the best times to meet with a counselor because I always learn about myself...and learn that the feelings I felt were crushing me, are really amazing feelings/insights that i just didn't know where there.

...just a thought.

Nick, Rachel, and Addy said...

Wow, Ashleigh, this post really tugged at my heart strings! First of all I'd like to say that MissMolly hit the nail on the head with her comment! I would also like to say that you most definitely are not alone in feeling this way. I applaud you for being so upfront with your feelings and wish I could find the courage to take that step. There aren't many people in my life who know how I truly feel because on the outside I try to pull it off like everything is just peachy...doing this only makes it worse. It's comforting seeing that there are many other women who have the same struggles and that it's not out of the ordinary.