Can I just be honest? I feel like a failure at life many of my days. I hate that I feel this way about myself, but it's true. There are SO many areas of my life that I feel like I totally suck at. Wife, mom, daycare provider, Christian, keeper of the home, etc. etc. I don't love my husband well, I yell at Chloe for little things, I don't plan enough activities for the kids, the laundry piles up and the floor isn't mopped as much as it should be. I'm losing grasp on eating well and feeling good about my body. I don't spend my time wisely most of the time. It feels like a losing battle. I make great plans of being better, of getting more done, of spending more time with God, of being a better mom and I continue to come up short.
Tears are filling my eyes because deep down I'm realizing that I just really don't even like myself.
I work really hard to be a happy, loving person and I think I do a pretty good job on the "outside", but inside I'm struggling. I know some of this has to do with our infertility. The thing I can't control I suck at (making a baby) and the things I can control I suck at as well. It pisses me off that I even feel this way. I want to feel love and joy and happiness in this life (hence the name of this little blog). I don't want to walk around feeling like an idiot all the time. It's annoying.
I continue to tell myself if I DO more, then I'll feel better about myself. But I'm not sure that's even true.
I hate sounding like a rambling, whiny baby and I know I do. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want, right? ;)
I am continuing to read One Thousand Gifts and it is starting to change my heart and to help me see the good that God has given us in this world. Why can't I see that I am good?
Am I alone in this?