Hahaha

I have deemed March as De-clutter Month around our house. Yesterday I worked on throwing away and organizing our paperwork. Today I am cleaning out our bedside tables and other areas of our bedroom.

As I was cleaning out my beside table, I came across several old journals I had started and only had a couple of entries. This has happened with EVERY journal I have ever owned...I just can not stick with it! Anyway...in one of them I came across this "to do list". I'm not sure when it was from, but my guess was early in our marriage as that was when all the other entries were written.

I had some very practical things to get done. Justin on the other hand....


For a little closer look...LOL...I love my husband.

Ugh.

Can I just be honest? I feel like a failure at life many of my days. I hate that I feel this way about myself, but it's true. There are SO many areas of my life that I feel like I totally suck at. Wife, mom, daycare provider, Christian, keeper of the home, etc. etc. I don't love my husband well, I yell at Chloe for little things, I don't plan enough activities for the kids, the laundry piles up and the floor isn't mopped as much as it should be. I'm losing grasp on eating well and feeling good about my body. I don't spend my time wisely most of the time. It feels like a losing battle. I make great plans of being better, of getting more done, of spending more time with God, of being a better mom and I continue to come up short.

Tears are filling my eyes because deep down I'm realizing that I just really don't even like myself.

I work really hard to be a happy, loving person and I think I do a pretty good job on the "outside", but inside I'm struggling. I know some of this has to do with our infertility. The thing I can't control I suck at (making a baby) and the things I can control I suck at as well. It pisses me off that I even feel this way. I want to feel love and joy and happiness in this life (hence the name of this little blog). I don't want to walk around feeling like an idiot all the time. It's annoying.

I continue to tell myself if I DO more, then I'll feel better about myself. But I'm not sure that's even true.

I hate sounding like a rambling, whiny baby and I know I do. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want, right? ;)

I am continuing to read One Thousand Gifts and it is starting to change my heart and to help me see the good that God has given us in this world. Why can't I see that I am good?

Am I alone in this?

It doesn't have to be perfect.

Yesterday I asked about homeschooling and I got a few responses (thank you Patty and Kate!). As the day went on I began kind of looking at myself and thinking about why it has been so overwhelming for me to even begin thinking about it.

First of all, there is just a LOT of stuff out there for homeschooling: tons of curriculum, tons of blogs, tons of resources. The world is your oyster when it comes to schooling your children at home. The problem for me is that I tend to have to have everything perfect to get started. If a homeschooling mom has a blog that I like, I tend to want to imitate her EXACTLY and have every single thing she has and have it set up exactly like she has. So, I would go out and spend way more money than I should on getting our "classroom" set up perfectly and then be so overwhelmed with that process that I would just give up. I feel like this happens so much in my life and I typically really don't like this part of myself.

Last night as I was browsing one of my favorite homeschool blogs that I've followed for quite a while (and one Kate recommended), http://1plus1plus1equals1.blogspot.com/, I decided that I was just going to JUMP in with Chloe and quit worrying about everything being perfect. I have done preschool with Chloe on and off for over a year and she always really enjoys it, but again, I typically get so overwhelmed with things not being in perfect order that I give up. Ugh.

So, anyway, this morning she asked me if we were going to do school and instead of putting it off because I dont have the perfect schoolroom with the perfect supplies and the perfect teacher outfit, I told her yes! I went to the blog, printed off one of the Tot Books and we dug right in. Chloe LOVED doing it and felt so accomplished when she got things right. It was a great way for me to see where she's at and where she might be struggling.

Like I said, I've done preschool with her lots before but it's always been extremely structured and I have always felt so overwhelmed. This morning we set up shop on the kitchen table and just went for it, no pressure, and it was *such* a precious time together.

Here are some pictures. We used the Cars Preschool Pack from here.

First she traced her M's with a pencil and then wanted to trace them with her finger.


Next we worked on tracing our numbers and matching the correct number to number of cars. I was really impressed to see that even for numbers 4 and 5 she didn't have to count each car specifically, but could just look at them and know there were 4 (or 5) cars on that row.


I gave her the word McQueen and she put the letters in order to spell the word. There were a couple of times she would have letters mixed up and say, "Wait a minute! That's not right" and then go back and correct. It's so fun to see her little mind working!


This was probably her favorite activity. She had to match the shape but then also find the matching word to go under the shape. Before we started, I asked her to name each shape. The funny thing was, she knew hexagon but didn't know rectangle.

She liked to point to each letter of the word, say them out loud, and then find the correct word to put on her sheet.
Lastly we worked on patterns, which is also a favorite of hers.
I will be laminating these activities so we can continue to use them, as she loved the Cars theme. Working together on all the activities this morning got me so excited to continue teaching her at home!



P.S. This weather ROCKS!!!

Tingle and Olive Garden

We have been wanting to take Chloe to see Tangled (or Tingle as Chloe calls it) in the theater for a couple of months. We had heard wonderful things about it and thought she would love it. She has the "Tingle" game for her Leapster and really likes to play it and has asked a couple of times to see the movie. So, Justin and I decided that for Valentine's Day we would take her to the "big theater" and see the movie and then go eat at Olive Garden after.

We were meeting Justin at the theater after he got off work. He was so sweet and stopped to get some fruit snacks for Chloe and Dove chocolates for me to have during the movie. The movie started and Chloe was so excited. The girl in the movie is cute as can be and she has a little chameleon that Chloe fell in love with. Fast forward about 45 minutes and Chloe was a crying mess. She kept saying she "didn't feel good". I knew that wasn't the case so I asked her what was really wrong. She told me, "the bad guys make me sad". I knew this was a possibility, seeing as she has cried at Toy Story 3 when the toys are in the trash compactor, but was hoping this one would be easier on her. Chloe is just SO tender-hearted and can not handle to see anyone else in danger. I love this about her. Although as we were leaving Justin and I both said, "Man, we need to watch some scarier movies if this freaked her out!" haha. I think we'll just steer clear of the scary movies and let her keep her innocent, tender heart for as long as she wants :) We did make her finish the movie to show her that there was a happy ending, which I think she did appreciate.

After the movie we went to Olive Garden, which was much less traumatic!

Chloe loves to use my big camera and take pictures and she actually does a really good job. She snapped one of Justin and me while we were waiting for a table.

The other people waiting with us were quite impressed that she could handle such a big camera. It was cute :)

Then I got one of my two favorite people in the whole world:


We enjoyed a really delicious dinner and when we were waiting for our check Chloe decided she wanted to play Round and Round. This is the game where you hide a small object in one hand and the other person has to guess which hand it's in. She named this game Round and Round because every time she "hides" the object she twirls her hands around and says, "round and round and round and round, NOW which one??" She could play this game for hours...and her daddy obliges her quite often :)


Overall it was a fantastic Valentine's Day filled with lots of love (and only a few tears) :) I am so blessed.

Homeschooling

Justin and I have always known we would homeschool our children. There are MANY reasons, but yesterday I came across a post on The Pioneer Woman's blog that was written by a guest blogger's daughter and I thought it was so good I wanted to share. You can find it here. Many of the things she talks about are reasons we feel it's important to teach our children at home.

On the same subject, I have begun looking into different curricula as Chloe is only about a year away from starting kindergarten. Talk about OVERWHELMING! I have a hard time even knowing where to start!!

Do you homeschool? If so, what advice do you have? What curriculum do you use? Help me!!! ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!

Typically Valentine's Day comes and goes and Justin and I give each other cards and say we love each other, but honestly, it rarely feels like something different than any other day in our lives. And I love that. I love that we kiss each other every morning and tell each other we love the other one several times a day. I love that I have a munchkin who gives me more love and affection in a day than I ever deserve. I love that I have a mom and dad who I don't think I could ever live without and the thought of ever living without them literally takes my breath away. Two sisters who are so much like me and yet so different, both of whom I love for completely different reasons but for the same reasons as well. I love that I have friends who I can tell anything and know they will still love me. I'm just so blessed. I have so much love going out and so much coming back. And it feels good. I love to love :)





So, tonight, Justin and I are taking Chloe to dinner (at her favorite Olive Garden of course!) and to see Tangled. I can't imagine any two people I would rather be holding hands with, sharing breadsticks with, kissing in the movie with. The two loves of my life. A perfect Valentine's Day.

I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with loads of love!!

Unspoken.

We are making some really big decisions in our house. Please be praying for us. I will elaborate as soon as I feel comfortable doing so. And believe me, I hate "unspoken" prayer requests as much as the next person (which reminds me of this hilarious video), but for now I think it's important to keep it as such.

Thank you for your prayers!!

On a separate note...I won us a free professional photo session and I'm SUPER pumped! We've never had professional pictures taken! I can't wait to have some pictures of our little family! Guess I better work on getting my butt (and the rest of my body..lol) back in shape!