Happy Valentine's Day!

Typically Valentine's Day comes and goes and Justin and I give each other cards and say we love each other, but honestly, it rarely feels like something different than any other day in our lives. And I love that. I love that we kiss each other every morning and tell each other we love the other one several times a day. I love that I have a munchkin who gives me more love and affection in a day than I ever deserve. I love that I have a mom and dad who I don't think I could ever live without and the thought of ever living without them literally takes my breath away. Two sisters who are so much like me and yet so different, both of whom I love for completely different reasons but for the same reasons as well. I love that I have friends who I can tell anything and know they will still love me. I'm just so blessed. I have so much love going out and so much coming back. And it feels good. I love to love :)





So, tonight, Justin and I are taking Chloe to dinner (at her favorite Olive Garden of course!) and to see Tangled. I can't imagine any two people I would rather be holding hands with, sharing breadsticks with, kissing in the movie with. The two loves of my life. A perfect Valentine's Day.

I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with loads of love!!

Unspoken.

We are making some really big decisions in our house. Please be praying for us. I will elaborate as soon as I feel comfortable doing so. And believe me, I hate "unspoken" prayer requests as much as the next person (which reminds me of this hilarious video), but for now I think it's important to keep it as such.

Thank you for your prayers!!

On a separate note...I won us a free professional photo session and I'm SUPER pumped! We've never had professional pictures taken! I can't wait to have some pictures of our little family! Guess I better work on getting my butt (and the rest of my body..lol) back in shape!

Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle

Last night I read Chapter 2 of One Thousand Gifts and again I cried and my soul ached. Here's the comment I left on the book study blog:
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I can’t even begin to explain how this book is speaking to my soul. God and I have been distant for a long while. I have chosen resentment for far too long…being angry about what I’m *not* getting (pregnant)…not seeing what HE *IS* giving. This book is changing me. Changing my heart. Helping me to understand. The first two chapters of this book have done something in me that I wasn’t sure was possible. I’m craving God again. I want FULL salvation (sozo). I’m realizing that by giving thanks (Eucharisteo) for the grace/gifts, that is where full joy, full salvation comes. What’s happening inside of me is too much to even comprehend right now.

I prayed (*really* prayed) for the first time in a VERY long time last night after reading Chapter 2.

Thank you, Ann. Thank you for submitting to God and writing this book. If no one else (all though I’m positive MANY more), your book is changing *my* life.

Oh, and I’m planning out my tattoo of the 3 word constellation: charis (grace), eucharisteo (thanksgiving) and chara (joy).

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Anyone want to design that tattoo for me?? :)

Gratitude or Resentment

Which will you choose today?

Word of the Year

My mom showed me this gorgeous necklace this morning. It's called 'Word of the Year Necklace' and the purpose is for you to pick a word that captures your heart and then wear that word close to your heart. I love the idea.

Then my mom asked me what my word for the year is. And I struggled. I started last year feeling extremely hopeful and strong and ready to face all that life had for me. This year started with a feeling of defeat and sadness, honestly. A searching. Not sure who I am and what I want and where God is or who He is.

I told you in my last post that I'm reading One Thousand Gifts. As part of the book study, each week the creators of the book club and the author of the book are doing video blogs about that week's chapter. As the author was speaking something hit me hard. What she spoke about was in the book, but as they were talking it made so much sense to me and honestly, I feel like it may be a turning point in all of this for me.

She spoke about how when God put Adam and Eve in the garden, he afforded them every luxury there except the fruit from ONE tree. Just one tree. Their sin and our sin is ingratitude. They weren't satisfied with what God gave them. They wanted more. They didn't take the material world for what it is, which is a place to commune with God.

This seriously hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally have a picture in my mind of God saying, "Here Ashleigh, this is what I give you. This is what's good for you and for my plan. The other things that you *want* right now, they have to wait. What is best for you is what I have for you and what I've given you. Can't you see all the enormous blessings I've poured on you? Will you see how much I love you by those or continue to resent me for the things I've withheld?"

My word of the year is Grateful.

You're not alone.

This month marks 2 1/2 years since we first started trying for a baby. I really have no words to describe all the feelings I feel about it. It has been a complete roller coaster and my faith has been shaken unlike I ever thought it could be. If I'm being really honest, it has been a struggle lately to even believe He's really there. I have told a few people this, but really, it's easier for me to believe He's not there than to believe *this* is what He's dictating for my life.

And then I read about a little girl whose caringbridge site I've been following for about a year (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate) and find out that her brain cancer is back and the odds of her living through this second bout of cancer is extremely slim. And my first reaction is, "what in the world are you crying about...at least THIS isn't your life", but then I look at Chloe and think about if this was my life and I about die right in that moment. How do you live through that? Why does God allow this? I just don't get it.

I know I'm not praying enough for what I want. I know the bible says to ask. But again, why would I ask God for something He's not going to give me anyway?

It's hard to put into words EXACTLY what it is I'm feeling about God and my relationship with Him these days but by no coincidence I'm sure, I have started reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp (she has an amazing blog here: http://www.aholyexperience.com/). This is a book study that Angie Smith (my hero/favorite blogger) is doing right now online. You can find the study here: http://www.incourage.me/category/bloom.

Anyway...as I was reading the first chapter last night I just started bawling. It spoke to the exact feelings I'm having and put into words what I'm having a hard time saying.

Here's what it said:

Is this toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning into our lungs, this No, God? No, God, we won't take what You give. No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I'd go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can't You get anything right and just haul all this pain out of here and I'll take it from here, thanks. And God? Thanks for nothing.

I wake and put my feet to the plank floors, and I believe the Serpent's hissing lie, the repeating refrain of his campaign movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us.

I look across farm fields. The rest of the garden simply isn't enough. It will never be enough. God said humanity was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And I moan that God has ripped away what I wanted. No, what I needed. Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I considered rightly mine: happiest children, [children at all], marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt -- what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got -- this simply isn't enough.

That forked tongue darts and daily I live the doubt, look at my reflection, and ask: Does God really love me? If He truly deeply loves me, why does He withhold that which I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy??

I know this has gotten long (sorry!), but as I read those words I just lost it. They are precisely what I have been struggling with....with my own infertility, but also the rest of the pain and suffering in this world. I just don't understand. I think this book study is going to be really good for me.

I don't really know how to end this. I really just wanted to share my heart. Hopefully I have accurately done that.

If you're struggling with something or just unbelief in general....you're not alone.

A GRAND vacation!

This year I've decided to try to make this blog a bit more of a priority, so hopefully you'll be seeing more posts. My goal right now is at least one per week. We'll see how that goes :)

I feel like I have a ton to catch up on around here.

Justin and I just got back from the most AMAZING vacation in Grand Cayman. Our best friends, Doug and Andrea, asked us (and a few other couples) to join them in a gorgeous house on the beach for the week. We spent the 8 days snorkeling lots, swimming with stingrays, horseback riding along the beach, eating wonderful food, enjoying time with each other and friends, and LOTS of relaxing in the sun.The color of the water was unlike anything I have ever seen. I just kept saying, "I never want to forget what this water looks like!"

I was so proud of Justin and his snorkeling/swimming skills. He's not really all that comfortable in water, but he did much better than me!

While I knew I would miss Chloe when we were gone I didn't think I would miss her as much as I did. By the last couple of days I was DYING to see her. The plan all along was to skype with her each night, but the first night we tried that we both ended up crying. So, we decided it would probably be easier on both of us to not try that again! She was so sweet when we got to the airport. She waved really big and ran to us and gave us the biggest hugs ever. I definitely think our next vacation will be a family one :)

I will post some more pictures from our trip in the next couple of days!