Almost 20 weeks!

(I'm not sure why the pictures are different sizes...sorry about that!)

Apparently being pregnant has made me the world's worst blogger. I feel like I have so much to say and wish I wouldn't have waited so long to update. This pregnancy has been so incredibly different than my pregnancy with Chloe. With Chloe I was so laid-back (and naive, really, which is probably why I had no worries), but this time I've honestly been a nervous wreck. My anxiety has gotten much better over the past few weeks, thankfully.

I was also having a very hard time believing we would really bring a baby home. One day my mom said, "Hey! we'll have a baby for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year...how exciting!" and in my head I said, "hopefully". That thinking really scared me (because I'm typically a very positive thinker) and made me realize how completely in denial I was. I think trying for a baby for so long really messes with your head.

Weeks 8-12 I was extremely sick and was having a very hard time. It was so hard because we have been hoping for this baby for so long and then to feel like I was complaining non-stop was really hard. I had to quickly learn that I'm human and feeling like crap all day long, whether you REALLY want something or not, is just sucky!!

Now, having said all of that about the first part...I have moved into a very happy, realistic view of this pregnancy and am finally so excited and really feeling like this is REAL! I will be 20 weeks on Friday and I can't BELIEVE we almost are half way there! I have been feeling so good lately and am really enjoying this whole thing!!

I started feeling baby (who we're calling Teeny Tiny for now) move about 14 weeks. It wasn't until 18 weeks with Chloe but I guess I just knew what to expect and feel this time. The first movements were very light and sporadic, but about 16 weeks they became very consistent and I now feel Teeny Tiny dancing around in there every day several times a day. The movements now are harder and much easier to "detect". In fact, Justin felt the baby kick -- flip, punch, twirl, whatever it was ;) this past Saturday morning :) I'm still trying to get Chloe to feel it, but she hasn't yet as baby seems to want to run from her every time -- lol...not sure if that's a bad sign or not!

Speaking of Chloe...she is so SO excited about having a new baby. She is going to be such an amazing big sister. She definitely thinks we're having a boy and really does not want a girl. She told me a couple of days ago that "we don't need another girl". Haha. I think she's a little intimidated by the idea of not being the only girl. She says the baby's name will be Cooper. We have no idea where she got the idea for this name, but when she talks to my belly (which she does often and it's so precious I about die every time) she calls "him" Cooper. Even if we have a boy, the name isn't going to be Cooper, but she's quite convinced. Not totally sure how we're going to handle *that* one, but we'll see!!

I have recently had a few conversations with her about how the baby "comes out". Yeah, that's been fun! haha! I'm trying to answer her questions as age-appropriately as possible and only give her the information she needs to satisfy that moments questions. We're slowly figuring it out :)

We're having a home birth with this one and I am *so* excited!! I have wanted to have a home birth since having Chloe. We have a really amazing midwife and while I'm not ready for baby to be here yet I really am looking forward to so many things about having baby here at home. (If you have any questions about our birthing plan PLEASE feel free to ask!!)

We have our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow to make sure baby is healthy and to find out if it's a boy or girl!! I am so excited!! I really have no "feelings" about what sex this baby is, but pretty much 99.9% of everyone else thinks it's a boy. We'll see!!! More than anything I'm just praying for a very healthy baby! Our appointment is at 9am tomorrow.

I've seen these little questionnaires on a few people's blogs. I snagged this one from Alisa (who I affectionately call my twin because we look so much alike!)
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How far along: 19 Weeks - 20 on Friday

Total weight gain/loss: about 8 lbs

Body Changes: I'm mostly belly, but unfortunately pregnancy expands my butt and thighs at a rapid rate of speed...so there's that ;)

Sleep: I've been sleeping pretty well at night. I sneak in naps every once in a while during the day when Chloe naps.

Best moment this week: Justin feeling Teeny Tiny kick!! :)

Gender: We will (hopefully!) find out in the morning!!!

Food Cravings/Aversions: I haven't really had any cravings (I didn't with Chloe either). I had an aversion to pretty much everything at the beginning, but thankfully I really don't have too many anymore. Meat is still not my favorite thing, but it just depends on the day whether I can eat it or not.

What I miss: Summer Beer!

What I am looking forward to: Tomorrow's ultrasound!!!

Milestones: Lots of movement and feeling great!

"Mommy has a baby in her belly...."

When I was pregnant with Chloe I actually found out in the Target bathroom. Classy, I know ;) That was the first pregnancy test I had ever taken. I don't know what I was expecting, really. I do remember that moment like it was yesterday though. I got a positive immediately and did a little happy dance in the stall. I dashed to the back of the store to get some grandma/grandpa bibs, checked out, got in my car and called Justin. He was at work that day, so I asked if I could come have lunch with him. Over Arby's roast beef sandwiches I told him he was going to be a daddy. I will never EVER forget the look on his face. It went from "oh crap" to "awesome" in a matter of .2 seconds. :)

This time was much much different. I definitely knew what to expect this time - a negative test. But when I got that positive it was something totally different. A miracle. I took a moment to just "be" and stare at that positive test. I truly could not believe my eyes.

As I said before, I told my mom and sisters first, but then I told Chloe. At first I had thought I wouldn't tell her so early because "what if something happens"? But then I realized that "something can happen" any moment of your life and I'm the kind of person who likes to cherish every happy second for what it is. So, I told her she was going to be a big sister and *this time* I will never forget her face. Pure excitement. The thought of that moment makes me tear up every time.

I was thinking of a million ways to tell Justin. Put a bun in the oven. Have Chloe wear a big sister shirt. Tell him I couldn't enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But finally I decided that the best way to tell him was to let Chloe do the honors. And she did.

Chloe and I had been talking about the baby all afternoon and she was so excited to tell her daddy. Justin came home from work and we were in my bathroom getting ready to go to dinner. As Justin was walking upstairs and before he got to our room I told Chloe, "okay! you can tell daddy our secret". He walked into the bathroom and she immediately declared, "Mommy has a baby in her belly and I'm gonna be a big sister!!"

Justin looked at me like, "what is she saying? is this right? huh?" I just smiled huge and nodded my head. He got a huge smile on his face as well and he immediately hugged me and rubbed my belly. It was such a sweet moment.

Fast forward to this week. Justin got home from work on Monday and said, "I got to hold Eli today and he smiled at me!" (Eli is our good friends Chad and Cassie's baby). Later when we were watching TV he told me "holding Eli today made me really ready to have a baby". Now, let me just say that Justin is not an emotional/touchy-feely kind of guy so for him to say that really meant a lot.

I am so excited to see Justin as a daddy of two little ones. He truly is the best daddy in the world. He loves Chloe with reckless abandon. I am so honored to share this life with him.

Encouragement

Kelly Stamps is another blogger and she posted this song today. I was so encouraged. Let the words encourage you as well....



What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Love you,

God's Blessings

This was an email I sent to a few people close to me today, but I thought I would post it here also.
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So, I've been thinking a lot about God and our journey to have this baby. Often as we were waiting to get pregnant I kept wondering, what does God want to teach me? What am I missing? What have I done that he would withhold this from me? Very slowly I began to learn that He just wanted me to give up control of my life and my desires. I remember sitting at small group at Nathan and Sherri's house one night stating how God was teaching me that He was withholding the very thing from me that I desired most because, well, I desired it more than I desired Him.

It still took me a while to change that mindset and I honestly do not think I did until I started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. My attitude and heart have changed so much over the past few months just realizing how BLESSED we already are (even without all the things we WANT in our lives). God has given us a million things a day to be thankful for (the cool spring breeze coming through the window, trees blossoming, a child who tells you "My name is Santa Clause and I just like to shake my booty at Christmas parties", DVR'd TV shows, and of course the bigger things in our life like our house, our family, our full pantry). Why do we focus on the negative? The things we don't have? The way we WISH our life was?

My eyes have been opened.

Funny thing is...I was beginning to become perfectly OKAY with God's plan and ideas for our life...even if that meant never having another baby from my womb. I just want more of God and more of what HE wants for my life. I was/am closer to God than I have ever been in my life.

I don't know why he withholds blessings from anyone else, but I *do* know for me it was to teach me to love Him the most and to be THANKFUL for the things He has given me and is giving me.

I asked for prayer this weekend that I would not forget what I have learned. That I would not become complacent now that I *do* have what I have been asking for.

I have struggled with understanding God in all of this and understanding if he really does withhold blessings to teach us something, so I wanted to go to the bible and see what it says. I stumbled across an article about Hannah (who God closed her womb until she gave up control of her life and her child's life...sound familiar??). It said this:

Suddenly, your desperation turns to a decision. It may be a deeper level of commitment or a yielding of an area of besetting sins or a response to an unanswered call or a vow of consecration in an area of your life. You are at a place, spiritually, you would have never reached if God hadn't closed the shut off valve of your blessings and caused your desire to turn into dependence, your dependence into desperation, and finally, your desperation to a time of decision. At this point, the child, the job, the finances, or the marriage are no longer the issue. The will of God is the issue. Now you don't even want the child, unless God does. You don't even want the job, unless God does. He may miraculously give you what you desired, or better still, just give you more of Himself instead. The key is that now He has your undivided attention, and is in the process of changing your life by withholding from your life blessings that you took for granted. So why God withholds from us becomes obvious. It is to get our attention.

Wow!!

...and I will end with that.

WHAT?!?!?

On Friday, March 4th I had woken up just like any other morning. I had some normal pre-menstrual symptoms and knew my period would start the next morning. I have been taking some supplements to try to get pregnant, but they are not safe to take the second half of your cycle. I went ahead and popped a couple of them to "get a head start" on my next cycle that, like I said, I knew would start in the morning.

I had just put Chloe and the daycare kids down for a nap when I started having these weird pains in my inner thighs. In my weirdo mind I thought, "hey, maybe that's a pregnancy symptom". lol. I knew I had a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink so on a whim I took it. Immediately, I saw this:Now, let me explain to you that in 2 1/2 years of trying to have a baby, I have easily taken over 100 pregnancy tests and they ALL have been negative. There was not a QUESTION in my mind that this one would be any different.

My first response: HOLY S*#^! (sorry..it's true!). Second response: Thank you Jesus!! My second response probably should have been my first, but whatever. ;)

I could NOT even believe my eyes. I was in total shock, shaking like crazy, and truly thought I might pass out.

I called my mom. She didn't answer. I called again and again and again...still no answer. I called my best friend, Andrea. No answer!! DANG IT! I NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER TEST! I would have left to get another test myself, but I had other children here. FINALLY my mom called back and was of course wondering if I was okay because I had called and texted about 10 times. I told her I had gotten a positive test and needed to take another one NOW! She was at lunch with my younger sister (who immediately started crying when she heard what was going on) and said they would be right over.

They got here about 15-20 minutes later, I took the second test, and immediately saw this:

Oh my GOSH! I'm really pregnant! I brought the test down to show them. It had only been like 30 seconds and my mom *insisted* we wait the 3 minutes like it said on the box. I had taken enough tests to know it was positive, but I humored her. She set the timer and we waited. After 3 minutes, it was still positive.

We called my youngest sister to bring over some sparkling peach juice my mom had at home. She brought it over and as she walked in the door, handed us the juice and kind of looked like, what in the world is going on? I told her we were "celebrating" and she looked at me and immediately knew! She got tears in her eyes and gave me a big hug.

By this time Chloe was clearly not napping, so I let her get out of bed. She came downstairs, we poured 5 glasses of juice and got ready to toast.

I asked Chloe if she knew why we were "having a cheers?" She said no and I told her that mommy has a baby in her belly! She looked at me with HUGE eyes and a big smile and just immediately kissed and hugged my belly. It was the most precious moment of my entire life. She is so excited and that makes it even more fun for us!

After our toast, my mom and sisters left. I still could not believe this was happening.

Of course, now I needed to tell Justin. Stay tuned...that's for the next post :)



PS. I also have lots of thoughts to share about our infertility (and other women struggling through it as well).

Love Never Fails

I just recently made fun of a friend for not writing his own blog posts and today I eat my words. ;) Go read this post by Big Mama. You will not be disappointed.

My favorite line: "I don’t believe any of us will get to heaven and receive a trophy or a plaque with “YOU WERE THE MOST RIGHT” engraved on it."

Too bad because I think most of us (including myself) sometimes think we would have the biggest trophy in Heaven!

Sweet Bennett

I have written about Bennett before. He's the sweet little boy of my friends Breck and Brian. I met Breck and Brian during my time at MU. They are such an encouraging couple and Breck is one of the strongest women I know. I know that's why God picked her to raise Bennett. He knew she was strong enough to be the best mommy to a baby with Cystic Fibrosis. Please take the time to watch this video. You can visit Bennett's blog here.