Some days are better than others. Today has just been a sad one for me.
I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus, but sometimes I just get lost in the haze of my tears. Not being able to get pregnant is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with/go through.
I know God is refining me.
I'm willing.
I'm trusting.
I'm just sad.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
No more sleeping in the pews
In my "submission" post I touched on the fact that Justin and I have found a new church. Well, Desperation Church (DC) is officially our new "home". Justin and I went through the base classes (which are classes that people have to take to become members) and we couldn't be more excited. We feel so at home there and are SO excited about the things that are happening. I think the thing I love most about DC is that we WANT to go. I really get pretty bummed out if we have to miss a weekend and honestly, its been a while since I have felt that way about church. I believe, that is what God intended church to be -- a place where you're EXCITED to go! We are so excited to run passionately after God with a group of people who are just real and ready to love Jesus, not just in the pews, but everywhere.
One really awesome thing that DC does is that we have W.O.W weekends (church WithOut Walls). Basically we don't have our "normal" meetings, but instead go out and serve the community. WOW weekends are not about DC, but about sharing Christ with our community. It rocks, really. :)
The first one was to nursing homes around the city. We met with the sweet people living in the nursing homes. Chloe and I sat and talked with two hilarious women who just couldn't get enough of her. Others helped plant flowers, clean out basements, or do just whatever the facility needed. It felt awesome to be God's hands and feet that day.
The next WOW weekend we did free car washes and a community picnic. I think everyone had a blast cleaning people's cars for them and just allowing them to feel "special" for a few minutes while their car got a good washing. Many people offered to donate money, but the best thing I got to say all day was, "No thank you. We WANT to do this for you, free of charge". Isn't that what God says to us? We try so hard to "pay" him with our works or our earn our salvation, but instead He says, "No thank you. We (me, my son, and spirit) WANT to do this for you, free of charge." Man we serve an awesome God! I also have another story about this weekend, but I want to save it for a different post.
Next weekend we are handing out free bags of groceries to the community. I'm praying that people who are truly in need of these groceries, who maybe are having a hard time getting food on the table for their children, will get the flyer and know that we are there to help them out. Most of all though, I am just praying that that people, in need or not, will come and be filled -- with food AND with Jesus! Will you join me?
One really awesome thing that DC does is that we have W.O.W weekends (church WithOut Walls). Basically we don't have our "normal" meetings, but instead go out and serve the community. WOW weekends are not about DC, but about sharing Christ with our community. It rocks, really. :)
The first one was to nursing homes around the city. We met with the sweet people living in the nursing homes. Chloe and I sat and talked with two hilarious women who just couldn't get enough of her. Others helped plant flowers, clean out basements, or do just whatever the facility needed. It felt awesome to be God's hands and feet that day.
The next WOW weekend we did free car washes and a community picnic. I think everyone had a blast cleaning people's cars for them and just allowing them to feel "special" for a few minutes while their car got a good washing. Many people offered to donate money, but the best thing I got to say all day was, "No thank you. We WANT to do this for you, free of charge". Isn't that what God says to us? We try so hard to "pay" him with our works or our earn our salvation, but instead He says, "No thank you. We (me, my son, and spirit) WANT to do this for you, free of charge." Man we serve an awesome God! I also have another story about this weekend, but I want to save it for a different post.
Next weekend we are handing out free bags of groceries to the community. I'm praying that people who are truly in need of these groceries, who maybe are having a hard time getting food on the table for their children, will get the flyer and know that we are there to help them out. Most of all though, I am just praying that that people, in need or not, will come and be filled -- with food AND with Jesus! Will you join me?
Time to Think....
As the inital shock of the "april's mom" scam has worn off I can say I am at least a little bit less freaked out! Over the past couple of weeks I have been trying to decide if keeping this blog private is the best way to go. I DO post pictures of Chloe and information about our family, so that is my biggest concern. I have come to realize though, that there are people who have "subscribed" to my blog that I don't even know. I'm sure they are "friends of a friend", or like I often do, clicked from one blog to another and ended up here. While it's kind of concerning that I don't know these people, it also makes me think that maybe I should leave my blog open so maybe, hopefully, my words may be an encouragement to them.
I have found some "blog" friends who are struggling through secondary infertility as well and if my words about that can bring them at least some hope (just as many of them have brought me hope), then maybe its worth it to keep my blog open. I have gotten emails from women who are in the same stage of life and just want to give an encouraging word because I wrote something that struck them.
I just feel like maybe there really are more good people than there are bad and instead of letting the "bad" ones intimidate me, I will let the good ones lift me up through their blogs and hopefully I can do the same for someone else.
So, after some thought and reflection, I think I am going to make my blog public again in hopes of allowing God to work through my words and encourage others.
As well, I am going to delete the "april rose" posts I wrote because they really aren't all that important and its not something I want to dwell on.
I have found some "blog" friends who are struggling through secondary infertility as well and if my words about that can bring them at least some hope (just as many of them have brought me hope), then maybe its worth it to keep my blog open. I have gotten emails from women who are in the same stage of life and just want to give an encouraging word because I wrote something that struck them.
I just feel like maybe there really are more good people than there are bad and instead of letting the "bad" ones intimidate me, I will let the good ones lift me up through their blogs and hopefully I can do the same for someone else.
So, after some thought and reflection, I think I am going to make my blog public again in hopes of allowing God to work through my words and encourage others.
As well, I am going to delete the "april rose" posts I wrote because they really aren't all that important and its not something I want to dwell on.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Car seat safety
I was actually working on a post on car seat safety, but then realized that one of my favorite bloggers already has it covered. If you are a parent, PLEASE head over to MckMama's blog and read this post. It's long, but its so important.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
God, family, natural childbirth (warning: this is long!)
There is not much that gets me super fired up (meaning heart-pumping, emotional, about to come out of my seat fired-up). Some things that do: Authentic worship. I could sing praises to God for hours and hours. Its one of my favorite ways to communicate with God. I sing at the top of my lungs and don't really care who is listening. Next: My family. Of course, most people understand me when I say that. When it comes to your family, ain't nobody better be messin' with 'em!!
Last: Natural Childbirth. Okay, I know this is a touchy subject and I know there will be people who don't agree. I'm really okay with that, but this is my blog and I get to say what I want, right? ;)
My absolute DREAM job is to be a doula (a labor support person). I have started the certification and slowly plan to finish it. If I could support women in labor every day, I would be happy as a lark. I would be even happier if the majority of those women chose natural childbirth and the incredible rewards that come with it!
How in the world did I become so passionate about this?
Well, my own childbirth experience. Chloe was born completely naturally, but not without a big 'ol fight. I won't go into the whole story (maybe I will save that for another post...I know you all are just chomping at the bit for that one!), but I will tell you that I never should have had to fight so much opposition from people and even more imporantly from my doctors.
I truly do not understand why this country can not get it together when it comes to childbirth. Natural is safest. period. Why on EARTH do we have a national c-section rate of over 30%, when evidence shows that 5-10% is optimal. C-sections are a SERIOUS surgery! We are 41st on the list of mortality of mothers giving birth in the world? Really? In the land of the free and the brave? It's astounding to me!
I'll tell you why we are failing childbirthing mothers: because our labors have so many interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to c-sections. So many women are induced for whatever reason (there are MANY and most of them absolutely ridiculous), which leads to harder stronger contractions, which then leads to an epidural because the woman can't handle the pain of the unnatural contractions, many times the epidural then slows down the labor progress (which happens to be 1cm every 2 hours...that's 20 hours, people!), so we kick up the pitocin and suddenly the baby is in distress....time for a c-section!
Listen, I completely understand that these interventions (drugs, c-sections, etc.) are there for good reason. SOME women do need these things because the labor isn't going how it should. I get that! I'm not saying no woman should ever be induced or have a c-section, what I am saying is that the number should be WAY less!
Here are some very important reasons why natural childbirth really IS best for mom and baby (some information from Natural Mothers Radio Talk):
There won’t be any reactions to drugs. Even though a large percentage of people do not experience serious side effects to drugs, there are still many mothers who do. These drugs can cause complications with the delivery and even afterwards - both for mom and baby. Babies exposed to drugs in labor also sometimes have difficulty learning to breastfeed.
Natural childbirth without medication helps to keep mom aware and functioning at high levels during her birth. Using numbing drugs that paralyze her from the waist down can mean the birth process lasts for much longer and mom and baby can get tired, leading to the possibility of a c-section. Anesthesia also tends to cause a “slippery slope” of intervention that can lead to induction and again, unnecessary c-section.
Statistics show that reduced medical intervention mean fewer difficulties during birth. This includes pitocin to induce contractions, breaking the water to start labor and even a planned cesarean.
Medical intervention tends to cause stress in the mother (sometimes without her being aware of it) and can cause labor to slow or stall out completely. Although some women report that anesthesia during labor helps them relax you so you can dilate better, other times it slows down the whole process putting you and the baby through a lot more work than is needed.
Since medical intervention often interferes with the normal birthing process it also raises the statistic for cesareans. Doctors only want you to birth so long, they say you get too tired and you can’t handle it, etc. Many times they could be more worried about getting it over with so they can get back to their families. This is another reason so many people have planned cesareans. **Don't try to tell me this one isn't ever true because my doctor DID this!!**
Interestingly, in other developed nations where home birth and natural birth are more common, outcomes are better and there is much lower infant mortality.
Our bodies were designed to deliver babies! God made women so that the birthing process could happen naturally. It's not an "injury" or something that needs to be fixed. It's a rite of passage for women and as women, we shouldn't take it lightly. I can't even explain the empowerment that came from having Chloe naturally. It was one of the most incredible, proud moments of my life!
My opinion (and really its backed by research) is that natural childbirth is safest for mom and baby. I am not going to tell you that you are stupid and wrong for choosing a hospital birth where you are most likely going to encounter most if not all of the interventions I talked about. My MAIN concern is that women are not educating themselves. Doctors aren't telling you these things, trust me! So, if the doctors aren't going to step up and educate their patients as they should be, then who is? So, my biggest advice if you are pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant....EDUCATE yourself! Learn how your body works and the amazing capabilities it has!
Here are some really great resources:
Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (my hero!)
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a better Birth by Henci Goer
The Business of Being Born (DVD)
I know this is a touchy subject, so I would LOVE to hear your thoughts! There is nothing I love more than a dialogue about childbirth! And yes, I realize you may think I'm a crazy hippie. I'm okay with that ;)
Last: Natural Childbirth. Okay, I know this is a touchy subject and I know there will be people who don't agree. I'm really okay with that, but this is my blog and I get to say what I want, right? ;)
My absolute DREAM job is to be a doula (a labor support person). I have started the certification and slowly plan to finish it. If I could support women in labor every day, I would be happy as a lark. I would be even happier if the majority of those women chose natural childbirth and the incredible rewards that come with it!
How in the world did I become so passionate about this?
Well, my own childbirth experience. Chloe was born completely naturally, but not without a big 'ol fight. I won't go into the whole story (maybe I will save that for another post...I know you all are just chomping at the bit for that one!), but I will tell you that I never should have had to fight so much opposition from people and even more imporantly from my doctors.
I truly do not understand why this country can not get it together when it comes to childbirth. Natural is safest. period. Why on EARTH do we have a national c-section rate of over 30%, when evidence shows that 5-10% is optimal. C-sections are a SERIOUS surgery! We are 41st on the list of mortality of mothers giving birth in the world? Really? In the land of the free and the brave? It's astounding to me!
I'll tell you why we are failing childbirthing mothers: because our labors have so many interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to c-sections. So many women are induced for whatever reason (there are MANY and most of them absolutely ridiculous), which leads to harder stronger contractions, which then leads to an epidural because the woman can't handle the pain of the unnatural contractions, many times the epidural then slows down the labor progress (which happens to be 1cm every 2 hours...that's 20 hours, people!), so we kick up the pitocin and suddenly the baby is in distress....time for a c-section!
Listen, I completely understand that these interventions (drugs, c-sections, etc.) are there for good reason. SOME women do need these things because the labor isn't going how it should. I get that! I'm not saying no woman should ever be induced or have a c-section, what I am saying is that the number should be WAY less!
Here are some very important reasons why natural childbirth really IS best for mom and baby (some information from Natural Mothers Radio Talk):
There won’t be any reactions to drugs. Even though a large percentage of people do not experience serious side effects to drugs, there are still many mothers who do. These drugs can cause complications with the delivery and even afterwards - both for mom and baby. Babies exposed to drugs in labor also sometimes have difficulty learning to breastfeed.
Natural childbirth without medication helps to keep mom aware and functioning at high levels during her birth. Using numbing drugs that paralyze her from the waist down can mean the birth process lasts for much longer and mom and baby can get tired, leading to the possibility of a c-section. Anesthesia also tends to cause a “slippery slope” of intervention that can lead to induction and again, unnecessary c-section.
Statistics show that reduced medical intervention mean fewer difficulties during birth. This includes pitocin to induce contractions, breaking the water to start labor and even a planned cesarean.
Medical intervention tends to cause stress in the mother (sometimes without her being aware of it) and can cause labor to slow or stall out completely. Although some women report that anesthesia during labor helps them relax you so you can dilate better, other times it slows down the whole process putting you and the baby through a lot more work than is needed.
Since medical intervention often interferes with the normal birthing process it also raises the statistic for cesareans. Doctors only want you to birth so long, they say you get too tired and you can’t handle it, etc. Many times they could be more worried about getting it over with so they can get back to their families. This is another reason so many people have planned cesareans. **Don't try to tell me this one isn't ever true because my doctor DID this!!**
Interestingly, in other developed nations where home birth and natural birth are more common, outcomes are better and there is much lower infant mortality.
Our bodies were designed to deliver babies! God made women so that the birthing process could happen naturally. It's not an "injury" or something that needs to be fixed. It's a rite of passage for women and as women, we shouldn't take it lightly. I can't even explain the empowerment that came from having Chloe naturally. It was one of the most incredible, proud moments of my life!
My opinion (and really its backed by research) is that natural childbirth is safest for mom and baby. I am not going to tell you that you are stupid and wrong for choosing a hospital birth where you are most likely going to encounter most if not all of the interventions I talked about. My MAIN concern is that women are not educating themselves. Doctors aren't telling you these things, trust me! So, if the doctors aren't going to step up and educate their patients as they should be, then who is? So, my biggest advice if you are pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant....EDUCATE yourself! Learn how your body works and the amazing capabilities it has!
Here are some really great resources:
Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (my hero!)
The Thinking Woman's Guide to a better Birth by Henci Goer
The Business of Being Born (DVD)
I know this is a touchy subject, so I would LOVE to hear your thoughts! There is nothing I love more than a dialogue about childbirth! And yes, I realize you may think I'm a crazy hippie. I'm okay with that ;)
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A post on Submission? I must be crazy!
Anyone who knows me knows that I like things my way. Do I dare admit this? I often tend to try to control situations. Sometimes I'm super aggressive about it, stating exactly how I want things done. Sometimes I'm passive aggressive, stating exactly what I want and then quickly adding "but maybe I'm wrong" (although deep down I know I'm not!). It's one thing I really don't like about myself, but I'm a work in progress, right?
One area of my life that tends to be the easiest for me to fall into this trap is my marriage. I think the reason I do this is because in our almost 4 years of marriage I have relied on Justin to make me happy. I need him to make me feel worthy, to make me feel needed, to make me feel like the most amazing wife and mother in the world. Ha!
Spiritually speaking for quite a while I had oh-so-sweetly demanded that Justin be the leader of our household. He never lived up to my expectations. He wasn't close enough to God, he wasn't reading his bible enough, he wasn't praying enough, so of course I needed to take over! I was obviously the stronger believer and if he wasn't going to do it then move over buddy, I'll take the reigns. I hadnagged reminded him enough times that surely God wanted me to take over by now! Wrong!
Surprisingly, at one point in the very beginning of our marriage (in the middle of my nagging, controlling, non-submissive tirades) I did submit to God's design and the outcome has been incredible.
Justin and I got married the summer after I left MU. While at MU, I attended an amazing church that really showed me what church/community was suppose to look like. Justin had never experienced that with me, so I came back feeling like the super-christian and like I needed to make sure he knew exactly how we were suppose to be living as Believers. I told him that we needed to change churches because the one we attended growing up just wasn't what we needed. He wasn't comfortable leaving and initially I was ticked. He liked the comfort of our childhood church and that even made me more mad. Comfort? Are we suppose to be seeking comfort as Believers?! I thought he was so wrong!! Slowly, and only with God's help, I decided to let Justin make the decision about where we would go to church. All the while secretly waiting for him to realize I was right all along!
We attended our childhood church for about 3 1/2 years. To my surprise, we were growing as a couple and individually as believers. Justin became a stronger, more confident leader in our household. I was slowing allowing God to show me that His way is best.
About 2 months ago, Justin and I decided together that it was time for us to move on to a different church. He was ready to find a place that would allow us to spread our wings a little more and that had more couples our age to connect with. This is what I wanted from the very beginning, but God needed time to work in both of our hearts before He decided it was time for us to move on. We are now attending a church that we both LOVE and are getting to know lots of new awesome friends. God is working to deepen our relationship with Him and with others.
I don't know what would have happened had we changed churches when I wanted to. I think, quite honestly, it could have been disastrous to our spiritual walks as well as our marriage. By giving up control, God has blessed me and our family immensely. By submitting to my husband and allowing God's design to work, our relationships with the Father are stronger than ever and getting stronger every day.
As I have been thinking about this lately, God is really showing me that His ways are best ALL the time. He didn't implement standards to make things worse for us. He has always had our best interests at heart. He wants nothing but the best for us. Why so many times do I allow my flesh to lead and ultimately cause me so much more pain than if I were to just be obedient the first time?
I am trying my very best to submit to God's timing daily in regards to our second child. I know God wants to do what is best for us, so I'm holding tight to that.
Is there something in your life that you need to submit to God? My advice: Just do it!
One area of my life that tends to be the easiest for me to fall into this trap is my marriage. I think the reason I do this is because in our almost 4 years of marriage I have relied on Justin to make me happy. I need him to make me feel worthy, to make me feel needed, to make me feel like the most amazing wife and mother in the world. Ha!
Spiritually speaking for quite a while I had oh-so-sweetly demanded that Justin be the leader of our household. He never lived up to my expectations. He wasn't close enough to God, he wasn't reading his bible enough, he wasn't praying enough, so of course I needed to take over! I was obviously the stronger believer and if he wasn't going to do it then move over buddy, I'll take the reigns. I had
Surprisingly, at one point in the very beginning of our marriage (in the middle of my nagging, controlling, non-submissive tirades) I did submit to God's design and the outcome has been incredible.
Justin and I got married the summer after I left MU. While at MU, I attended an amazing church that really showed me what church/community was suppose to look like. Justin had never experienced that with me, so I came back feeling like the super-christian and like I needed to make sure he knew exactly how we were suppose to be living as Believers. I told him that we needed to change churches because the one we attended growing up just wasn't what we needed. He wasn't comfortable leaving and initially I was ticked. He liked the comfort of our childhood church and that even made me more mad. Comfort? Are we suppose to be seeking comfort as Believers?! I thought he was so wrong!! Slowly, and only with God's help, I decided to let Justin make the decision about where we would go to church. All the while secretly waiting for him to realize I was right all along!
We attended our childhood church for about 3 1/2 years. To my surprise, we were growing as a couple and individually as believers. Justin became a stronger, more confident leader in our household. I was slowing allowing God to show me that His way is best.
About 2 months ago, Justin and I decided together that it was time for us to move on to a different church. He was ready to find a place that would allow us to spread our wings a little more and that had more couples our age to connect with. This is what I wanted from the very beginning, but God needed time to work in both of our hearts before He decided it was time for us to move on. We are now attending a church that we both LOVE and are getting to know lots of new awesome friends. God is working to deepen our relationship with Him and with others.
I don't know what would have happened had we changed churches when I wanted to. I think, quite honestly, it could have been disastrous to our spiritual walks as well as our marriage. By giving up control, God has blessed me and our family immensely. By submitting to my husband and allowing God's design to work, our relationships with the Father are stronger than ever and getting stronger every day.
As I have been thinking about this lately, God is really showing me that His ways are best ALL the time. He didn't implement standards to make things worse for us. He has always had our best interests at heart. He wants nothing but the best for us. Why so many times do I allow my flesh to lead and ultimately cause me so much more pain than if I were to just be obedient the first time?
I am trying my very best to submit to God's timing daily in regards to our second child. I know God wants to do what is best for us, so I'm holding tight to that.
Is there something in your life that you need to submit to God? My advice: Just do it!
Sunday, May 10, 2009
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