Monday, May 4, 2009

The present

Lately I feel like I have been on a roller coaster. One minute of the day I am rejoicing, the next minute I am so sad I can barely hold my head up.

Justin and I are in the process of buying a house. We couldn't be more excited!! It is perfect for us. Last night we sat and "planned out" our living room. It was so fun :) We had no intentions of buying. We had a duplex we were ready to sign a lease on. This house is owned by a family friend who is selling it to us for much less than its worth and our house payments will be the same or less than our rent payments would have been. In a time of "economic crisis", God has blessed us beyond what we deserve. I continually thank Him for the way He takes care of us.

I praise God every day for my sweet Chloe. She is such a joy in our lives. This age is SO much fun! She is seriously one of the funniest people I know. She has recently started making up stories. She has an imaginary snake and loves to ask you if you want to pet her. It cracks me up!

We are still struggling to get pregnant. I am all over the place about this. Most often I am at peace with God's timing, but there are definitely moments of abundant sadness. I have always known we would have several children. I had hoped the majority of them would come from my own womb, but more and more I am beginning to question that. I think God placed adoption on my heart a long time ago, but I just don't feel ready for that yet. I'm praying for the Lord to open my womb and allow me to carry another child. Will you join me in this, please? I think the hardest part of this is that I feel so alone. Justin knows I am hurting, but as a man, he just doesn't "get it". My close friends are amazing, but don't have children so its hard to explain exactly what I am feeling. I am trying to find refuge in God, but sometimes I just need a human shoulder.

I was reading another blog and came across the following devotion:

"There is no randomness about your life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures subject to the limitations of time and place. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

"Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a lifetime of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace."
Luke 12:25-26, Luke 1:79

Oh, Lord please help me to live in the present. I want to live my fullest life RIGHT NOW. I want to give up my dreams for yours. I don't want to let these precious moments slip through my fingers. Oh, God work in my heart so I may fully surrender to your plan for me and our family. Amen.

6 comments:

Matt Aviles said...

There are no words to make this easier. It's hard. It sucks. Every month you get your hopes up. You pray like crazy. You think "If i eat better, if i exercise more, if i THIS or THAT." Then you're let down. Then it starts all over. Jo would be AWESOME to talk to about this. We went though this for over a year. We were confused, hurt, mad, sad, glad, EVERYTHING.
This much I know. Never have two boys been so prayed for prior to their births than Jake and Eli. Oh we prayed for Nate and Sam. Especially with the complications we went through with Nate. But because it took over a year to conceive Jake we believe God used that to restore our prayer lives and teach us what true intercessory prayer was all about. Now that we are dealing with some teen
issues with Nate, we are better prepared to pray individually and as a couple.

But, in the end...I'm just A MAN so what do i know. Ask Jo. She's a woman and mother of 4 studs. She knows EVERYTHING!

Shaila Creekmore said...

I just wanted to tell you that I will be praying for you and understand how you feel. It took 6 months with our first and 10 months with our second to get pregnant, both after taking Clomid. When looking back, 6 months didn't really seem so long after all, but it was a very difficult time for me because I had desired for a baby for so long before we were actually able to start trying. With our second, I was more patient, but after about 6 months I realized it once again wasn't going to happen without help. I pray that God will allow you the desire of your hear or change the desire of your heart!

Ron Riegel said...

"There is no randomness about your life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures subject to the limitations of time and place. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

"Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a lifetime of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace." Luke 12:25-26, Luke 1:79

What amazing words! No matter where we are we always seem to use the word "IF". If only I had of if that hadn't happened. When in reality we should be using the word "OK". Ok God I will ....... (just fill in the blank). Even when we don't see or our own dreams don't look like this.

Ash what a beautiful little family you have and what an AMAZING little girl we are bleesed to know.

Lord I just pray a blessing of peace over our entire family. To just see Your ways and Your timing in our lives. Please allow us to live with You today. Amen

Sara J said...

Hang in there! I agree, there's nothing anyone can say to make you feel better or make it easier. I was a little crazy through the two YEARS (and that is a short time compared to some others) it took us to conceive our son, and looking back now, I think what a blessing it was to have that time...to reflect, to trust, to learn that my patience needed some working on. (Come on...8 months, 2 years - poor Sarah and Abraham had to wait 90! ha)

Now as we are past the second year of trying for our second child after having a miracle boy almost three years ago, with a miscarriage and a mound of debt under our belts, I have come to realize that it is far too easy to become consumed with ttc and fall into a pattern of sinful bitterness and ungratefulness when we dont get our way right when we think we should.

I encourage you to focus on the fact that it takes a normal HEALTHY couple an average of 9 months to concieve without intervention, so you are still within the curve! Speaking from personal experience, you will regret wasting precious time you could spend focusing on God and your relationship if you let TTC be at the forefront of your mind. I would kick someone in the shin for saying that to me if they didn't know what they were talking about or hadn't experienced infertility, but I have, and I am just being candidly honest.

I pray God will fulfill the desires of your heart, and you will have peace knowing that when things happen for you, whether natural, supernatural, or by adoption, etc, it will be worth any amount of wait. :)

Hang in there!

Chelsa said...

i found you through april's mom. just wanted to say i'll be praying for you. we have a 4 yr. old that was very easy to get pregnant with. we then tried for over a year and finally got pregnant again after 13 months. those months were very trying. we lost that preciuos baby boy (andon) at 34 weeks in feb. of this year due to hellp syndrome/pre-eclampsia. we are currently trying again and praying it doesn't take nearly as long to conceive this time. just know i'll be keeping you in my prayers

The Yates Family said...

I feel your pain Ashleigh, I really do! Letting go of worries and letting God truly handle all our needs is something I struggle with daily. Even though we don't understand what is happening "behind the scenes", I know that you and I both have wonderful lives ahead of us FULL of babies, love, and happiness.

Please know you can always call or email me if you ever need to talk girl!

Love you too :)

-Alisa