Love. Joy. Laughter.

Welcome Miss Lydia Hope!

2011-12-13T15:16:00.004-06:00

When baby girl’s due date came and went I was really upset. I was getting very uncomfortable and was confused as to why I would have WEEKS of contractions and she still not be here. On Saturday the 12^th, I started having very regular contractions and by the middle of the night they were painful enough that I had to get up out of bed. I went downstairs and sat on the birth ball and timed the contractions. They were about 3-5 minutes apart and 45-60 seconds long. I KNEW this was it! I called Suzanne and told her we probably had a long time (judging from Chloe’s 21 hour birth), but that things were starting. Suzanne, having about a 45 minute drive, decided to come to the house and said that if things took a long time she would just sleep on the couch and if we still had a long time in the morning she would just go shopping – ha! She got to the house and put the tens unit on me and told me to go see if I could rest. I went back up to bed and the contractions completely STOPPED. By morning I was extremely discouraged and feeling like this child was never coming!

The next few days brought more contractions, but nothing to “write home about”. After the false alarm on Saturday night I decided I was not making a big deal of anything until I knew for sure that I was in labor. So, in other words, until I couldn’t really function through contractions. Suzanne told me from the beginning that she thought my labor would be fast and to not “wait too long” to let her know things were happening, but I never believed her that it would be fast since my labor with Chloe was so long and at this point I definitely wasn’t calling in anymore false alarms!

On Tuesday November 15^th, Chloe and I went about our day just like any other. It was gorgeous outside so we spent a lot of time outside. I of course was having contractions all day, but didn’t pay any attention to them. I lost my mucous plug about 3:00 that day and was SO excited because I felt like at least I knew my body was making progress in some ways and Lydia might really actually come!

The next order of events will probably be best told by a timeline. So here goes:

5:00pm: Justin called to say he was on his way home and asked if there was anything I wanted him to pick up for dinner. I told him I really wanted steak and mashed potatoes.

6:00pm: Justin got home and started dinner. Around that same time I began to notice that contractions were getting a little harder, but I still didn’t pay much attention to them.

6:30pm: My contractions were starting to get very uncomfortable and so I decided to time them. Justin was just finishing up dinner and sat down to eat. I told him I wasn’t going to be able to eat as my contractions were getting too hard and I needed to focus through them. I quit timing them about 20 minutes into it because they were getting too intense and I didn’t want to mess with it anymore. As the contractions came I leaned over whatever was close (the couch, bathroom sink, stair railing, etc), rocked my hips and breathed through them. They still weren’t completely unbearable, but they weren’t easy either. I called my mom to let her know that I would probably need Chloe to come over there at some point that night since I thought I was probably in labor now. During the conversation I had to put the phone down to get through one of my contractions. My littlest sister was leaving for volleyball practice and had told my mom to call if she needed to come home. I informed my mom that there was no way we would have a baby by 10pm when Kailey would be home from practice so not to worry about calling her.

7:00pm: I texted our midwife, Suzanne, to let her know that she should probably come to the house since contractions were getting longer, stronger, and closer together; although I thought we still had a lot of time left. She told me to have Justin get the birth tub set up and other supplies out. I also called the birth photographer as well as my friend Andrea who I had asked to be at the birth. As Justin finished eating his dinner he got everything set up.

7:30pm: During labor I need it extremely quiet and at this point Chloe was really starting to get on my nerves so I had my sister take her over to my mom’s house. Once she left I was able to really start focusing on breathing through my contractions and relaxing.

7:45pm: The birth assistant, Nicole, showed up at the house. At this point my contractions were becoming very uncomfortable and I was starting to have a hard time really relaxing. Nicole did counter pressure on my back and it felt SO good!

8:00pm: Suzanne got to the house and made sure everything was set up and ready to go. I had a few contractions and then she suggested I sit on the toilet and she would press on my knees to try to move baby down and see where we were at. I had about 5 contractions on the toilet and they HURT. I was really beginning to think that if this lasted much longer I was not going to be able to do it.

8:30pm: Suzanne could see that I was struggling and so asked if I wanted to get in the water. I thought that sounded great and we moved into the bedroom and I got into the tub. As I got back into the bedroom, I saw that our doula, Kay had arrived. I *very* vaguely remember telling her hello as I was kind of just “in the zone” at that point. As I was squatting down into the water I had an enormous amount of pressure and yelled “I’m pushing!!” and then my water burst. OH RELIEF!! I had about 2 more contractions and then the intense pressure returned. I really was pushing at this point! Suzanne told me to reach down and feel for the baby’s head, but I was so comfortable in the position I was in and did not want to move. I told her I couldn’t do it and that I really didn’t think we were that close anyway. I had one more contraction that I pushed through and she really urged me to feel for the baby’s head in order to help guide her out. I really was not convinced that the baby was coming yet, but felt for her anyway and I felt her head!! I could not believe she was almost here! I was seriously in shock that I was that far along.

8:49pm: I had a couple more contractions and she was HERE!! The pushing part of labor was SO much different this time. With Chloe I was on my back with people telling me when and how to push. This time my body just took over and did it. Seriously. It was somewhat of an out of body experience for me this time. With Chloe I also don’t remember feeling the “ring of fire” that everyone talks about. This time, I definitely felt it! Luckily, baby girl was quick to relieve me of that feeling. She made her entrance first into the water and then into my arms. It was so amazing! Her cord was very short so I wasn’t able to bring her all the way to my chest, but I held her lower in the water and we just gazed at each other. She was so content and alert and barely cried. When Justin came over to meet her he spoke and she immediately turned her head to his voice as if to say, “I hear my daddy!”. It was so sweet.

Miss Lydia Hope was here and we could not have been more excited and in love!!!

The birth was so fast that my mom, my sister (who was sitting on our living room couch), Andrea, and the birth photographer all missed it. I can’t believe how in denial I was the whole time that I was actually in labor and things were progressing. I guess my nonchalant attitude threw everyone off. Luckily our midwife has done this a time or two and knew to get to our house quickly!

Not long after Lydia made her entrance my dad brought Chloe over to meet her new baby sister. They rushed over so quickly that Chloe still had pudding on her face from a snack she was eating at my parent’s house. Haha! Chloe was very unsure about the whole thing and had quite the little meltdown. Her sister didn’t look like her and was bald and she was “so disappointed!!” LOL! I just had to laugh. Chloe slowly came around to her new sister and now loves her very much, although she still thinks she’s boring!

The whole experience was so incredible and having her at home was one of the best decisions we could have made! It was so peaceful and beautiful. I am so grateful to have the amazing midwife I do and felt so safe and well taken care of in her hands.

We waited so long for Lydia and she did not disappoint!! ;)

I will do a post about our time after the birth and of pictures soon!

Oh! And just for the record, I *did* get my steak and mashed potatoes that night and even better: my sister fed them to me! ;)

The next few weeks....

2011-12-13T12:39:00.004-06:00

To say a lot has happened since the last time I blogged would be a HUGE understatement. Haha!

So, to get caught up:

At 32 weeks, on a Tuesday night, I had a bought of contractions (not painful at all) that were about 2-3 minutes apart and lasted a couple of hours. Of course I never had any contractions prior to Chloe’s labor so I was a little scared and confused about what was going on. I knew in order for them to be “real” labor contractions they needed to get longer, stronger, and closer together, which they weren’t really doing. I called my midwife and she told me to take a bath, drink lots of water and pregnancy tea, lay on my left side, etc. – all things to try to get them to stop. She also called me in a prescription to try to get them to stop. After I talked to her she decided to come to the house and just check things out. Can I just interrupt and say how AWESOME it is to have a midwife that comes to you when something is amiss!! Anyway…the meds got the contractions stopped and I carried on my merry little way….until Thursday when they started again. This time I decided I probably should go to the hospital and get things checked out and make sure these were Braxton-Hicks and not contractions that were causing any dilation. At the hospital everything checked out okay, but I was officially put on bed rest until 37 weeks.

You would think bed rest would be really awesome, but when you have a 4 year old to entertain, and a house to clean, and a family to cook for, it really pretty much sucks! Luckily for me, I have an awesome younger sister who came to stay with us and helped out with all the things I couldn’t do, especially entertaining Chloe.

I came off bed rest at 37 weeks and had lots of contractions pretty much every day – they were very sporadic and usually didn’t hurt at all. We were okay with Lydia making her entrance after this point, so I didn’t really pay much attention to the contractions and figured they were helping prepare her lungs and my body for labor.

At my 38 week appointment my midwife, Suzanne, told me she thought I would be going over my due date and to just enjoy our time until baby was here. I’ll be honest, I was really bummed after that appointment. Having had contractions for so many weeks, I thought for sure Lydia would be here earlier than my due date. I kind of prepared myself that she would be early and when I was told she would likely be “late”, I was a little discouraged.

Fast forward to 40 weeks. 11/11/11. Nothing. Baby girl was holding tight and her momma was getting VERY anxious for her to make her arrival!

28 Weeks!

2011-08-24T15:16:00.004-05:00

I can not believe I'm in the third trimester already! The second half of this pregnancy has FLOWN by! It's really so very bittersweet that we're getting closer to end of the pregnancy. On the one hand I'm so incredibly excited to meet Lydia and to have her in my arms. On the other hand, I love being pregnant and feeling her move in my belly. I'm trying to cherish every minute of being pregnant with her!!

Chloe is getting more and more excited by the day to have Lydia here and often says things like, "I wish it would get colder faster so my baby would be here!" She is so sweet and is going to be such an amazing big sister. Seeing the two girls together is something I can not WAIT for!!

Now for the fun pregnancy questions:

How far along: 28 Weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Yeah, this question was still fun when it was like 8lbs...now, let's just say my booty will most likely have it's own zip code when this is all said and done. ;)

Body Changes: I'm pretty much just getting big everywhere. The joys of pregnancy :) One thing Justin and I noticed though is that my belly has gone from really round to sticking straight out. I think it's how baby girl is positioned in there. I'm hoping she's head down or at least headed that way in the next few weeks!!

Sleep: Sleeping is okay. I wake up A LOT to go pee in the middle of the night. I didn't really have to pee more than usual with Chloe so I always thought those women who talked about having to pee were just making it up (lol), but holy cow, this time that is not the case. I have to pee ALL. THE. TIME!!!

Best moment this week: Being able to actually feel her foot poking me from the outside and know what it was!!

Gender: Girl!! :)

Food Cravings/Aversions: I don't really have many cravings or aversions. McDonald's could probably be put in the aversion category.

What I miss: Sleeping on my belly

What I am looking forward to: My midwife appointment on Thursday as well as our little family vacation to St. Louis next weekend!

Milestones: I can tell she's getting bigger in there and have started to very distinctly feel little feet, knees, and elbows poking me. She is extremely active and I LOVE that!! I think she knows her mommy needs the extra reassurance. ;)

Chloe's Summer (so far) in Pictures

2011-07-25T14:14:00.012-05:00

A trip to the lake

Royals Game

Playing at the Park

Rockin' her shades

Fishing with Daddy on Father's Day

She got really bored and annoyed that she wasn't catching anything...

Zonked after a long day!

Playgroup trip to Independence to ride the trolley. She LOVED this!

A visit to her best friend Loreli's house

Picnic time!

4th of July at the lake

Fireworks at Poppy and Nanny's. She was*so* good at catching the parachutes! Maybe she will be daddy's little softball player afterall ;)

Playing in the fountains at Zona Rosa

Home Management

2011-07-11T13:17:00.004-05:00

My house being organized and clean is so important for my sanity. When everything has a place and everything is in it's place I am so much less stressed and so much nicer to my family! I think I've said before, but I'm a REALLY great planner. I make lists and beautiful plans and then 2 days later it all flies out the window and my house is in shambles and I feel like a failure once again. It's an ugly cycle.

Recently I came across moneysavingmom.com. She is a blogger who posts about great deals as well as lots of great homemaking tips. I have just started using her daily docket and cleaning lists and can I say how AMAZING I feel and what a wonderful state my house is in MOST of the time. It's a miracle really.

Here is the link to her home management forms: http://moneysavingmom.com/downloads/household-management-forms.

I follow her daily docket pretty much exactly and there are just a few changes I made to the cleaning lists for our own house.

I just wanted to pass this info along in case it helps someone else out. I know it has been such a blessing to me!

We're having a GIRL!!!

2011-06-30T11:47:00.009-05:00

And her name is.......LYDIA!!! :)

We had our big ultrasound and to my surprise, we're having a girl! I think everyone had me convinced it was a boy, so I really was so surprised!! Justin had guessed a girl and he was right. Chloe had said we were having a boy from the very beginning and I thought her instincts were probably better than mine. haha. Not so apparently! We had her name picked out about a week before our ultrasound. I suddenly realized how much I loved the name Lydia and Justin said he did too. SOLD! :) I think Chloe and Lydia sound so pretty together. It's really fun to call baby by her name. :)

(I feel very wrong posting this picture! haha)

As soon as the ultrasound tech told us it was a girl, Chloe crossed her arms and gave a big scowl. She was definitely not a happy camper. It took her about 5 minutes to get excited about "playing babies and dancing in dresses" with her little sister. She is now so excited for a baby sister and is honestly going to be the best big sister in the world. She already loves her little sister so much!

I'm already daydreaming about all the fun they will have together. I have 2 sisters, so I know how special a sister relationship is and I can't wait to see it unfold :)

Here is my 20 week picture:

And a few more of our sweet little one:

She is moving around a TON. Pretty much anytime I slow down she makes her presence known. :) And it's so fun to feel her and know she's doing so well in there!

It still takes my breath away that God has blessed us with this new little life. He has been so good to us. I am so incredibly thankful!!

We have decided to use cloth diapers with this little babe. When I had Chloe the thought of cloth diapers was insane to me. I honestly didn't know, though, how easy and wonderful they really are! We (I say "we" VERY lightly because really it was me! lol) made this decision for several reasons: Cost (while the upfront cost is more, we will be saving upwards of $1500-2000 by choosing cloth); while I'm not really what I would call a "green-living" person, it really did bother me to throw away SO MANY nasty, non-biodegradable diapers when Chloe was in diapers so this solves that problem; they really are better for baby with no chemicals and soft as butter; and they're dang cute -- the diapers *and* the little baby butts in cloth diapers!!

We got our first cloth diaper already from our sweet friends, Chad, Cassie, and Eli (thanks, guys!):

Isn't it adorable? I can't wait to have Lydia's tiny bum in there!!

I think we have decided to have the girls share a room so our spare bedroom can be our school room. Chloe and I are slowly planning out what we want it to look like and I am getting so excited about decorating for Chloe *and* Lydia in the same room! I have some ideas and the only thing set in stone is that it will have lots of PINK!!! ;)

Speaking of Chloe (no, I haven't forgotten about her! hehe)....she has been having a REALLY fun summer and my next post is going to be all about her and what she's been up to lately!

Almost 20 weeks!

2011-06-22T10:45:00.005-05:00

(I'm not sure why the pictures are different sizes...sorry about that!)

Apparently being pregnant has made me the world's worst blogger. I feel like I have so much to say and wish I wouldn't have waited so long to update. This pregnancy has been so incredibly different than my pregnancy with Chloe. With Chloe I was so laid-back (and naive, really, which is probably why I had no worries), but this time I've honestly been a nervous wreck. My anxiety has gotten much better over the past few weeks, thankfully.

I was also having a very hard time believing we would really bring a baby home. One day my mom said, "Hey! we'll have a baby for Thanksgiving and Christmas this year...how exciting!" and in my head I said, "hopefully". That thinking really scared me (because I'm typically a very positive thinker) and made me realize how completely in denial I was. I think trying for a baby for so long really messes with your head.

Weeks 8-12 I was extremely sick and was having a very hard time. It was so hard because we have been hoping for this baby for so long and then to feel like I was complaining non-stop was really hard. I had to quickly learn that I'm human and feeling like crap all day long, whether you REALLY want something or not, is just sucky!!

Now, having said all of that about the first part...I have moved into a very happy, realistic view of this pregnancy and am finally so excited and really feeling like this is REAL! I will be 20 weeks on Friday and I can't BELIEVE we almost are half way there! I have been feeling so good lately and am really enjoying this whole thing!!

I started feeling baby (who we're calling Teeny Tiny for now) move about 14 weeks. It wasn't until 18 weeks with Chloe but I guess I just knew what to expect and feel this time. The first movements were very light and sporadic, but about 16 weeks they became very consistent and I now feel Teeny Tiny dancing around in there every day several times a day. The movements now are harder and much easier to "detect". In fact, Justin felt the baby kick -- flip, punch, twirl, whatever it was ;) this past Saturday morning :) I'm still trying to get Chloe to feel it, but she hasn't yet as baby seems to want to run from her every time -- lol...not sure if that's a bad sign or not!

Speaking of Chloe...she is so SO excited about having a new baby. She is going to be such an amazing big sister. She definitely thinks we're having a boy and really does not want a girl. She told me a couple of days ago that "we don't need another girl". Haha. I think she's a little intimidated by the idea of not being the only girl. She says the baby's name will be Cooper. We have no idea where she got the idea for this name, but when she talks to my belly (which she does often and it's so precious I about die every time) she calls "him" Cooper. Even if we have a boy, the name isn't going to be Cooper, but she's quite convinced. Not totally sure how we're going to handle *that* one, but we'll see!!

I have recently had a few conversations with her about how the baby "comes out". Yeah, that's been fun! haha! I'm trying to answer her questions as age-appropriately as possible and only give her the information she needs to satisfy that moments questions. We're slowly figuring it out :)

We're having a home birth with this one and I am *so* excited!! I have wanted to have a home birth since having Chloe. We have a really amazing midwife and while I'm not ready for baby to be here yet I really am looking forward to so many things about having baby here at home. (If you have any questions about our birthing plan PLEASE feel free to ask!!)

We have our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow to make sure baby is healthy and to find out if it's a boy or girl!! I am so excited!! I really have no "feelings" about what sex this baby is, but pretty much 99.9% of everyone else thinks it's a boy. We'll see!!! More than anything I'm just praying for a very healthy baby! Our appointment is at 9am tomorrow.

I've seen these little questionnaires on a few people's blogs. I snagged this one from Alisa (who I affectionately call my twin because we look so much alike!)
__________________________________________
How far along: 19 Weeks - 20 on Friday

Total weight gain/loss: about 8 lbs

Body Changes: I'm mostly belly, but unfortunately pregnancy expands my butt and thighs at a rapid rate of speed...so there's that ;)

Sleep: I've been sleeping pretty well at night. I sneak in naps every once in a while during the day when Chloe naps.

Best moment this week: Justin feeling Teeny Tiny kick!! :)

Gender: We will (hopefully!) find out in the morning!!!

Food Cravings/Aversions: I haven't really had any cravings (I didn't with Chloe either). I had an aversion to pretty much everything at the beginning, but thankfully I really don't have too many anymore. Meat is still not my favorite thing, but it just depends on the day whether I can eat it or not.

What I miss: Summer Beer!

What I am looking forward to: Tomorrow's ultrasound!!!

Milestones: Lots of movement and feeling great!

"Mommy has a baby in her belly...."

2011-04-14T20:05:00.004-05:00

When I was pregnant with Chloe I actually found out in the Target bathroom. Classy, I know ;) That was the first pregnancy test I had ever taken. I don't know what I was expecting, really. I do remember that moment like it was yesterday though. I got a positive immediately and did a little happy dance in the stall. I dashed to the back of the store to get some grandma/grandpa bibs, checked out, got in my car and called Justin. He was at work that day, so I asked if I could come have lunch with him. Over Arby's roast beef sandwiches I told him he was going to be a daddy. I will never EVER forget the look on his face. It went from "oh crap" to "awesome" in a matter of .2 seconds. :)

This time was much much different. I definitely knew what to expect this time - a negative test. But when I got that positive it was something totally different. A miracle. I took a moment to just "be" and stare at that positive test. I truly could not believe my eyes.

As I said before, I told my mom and sisters first, but then I told Chloe. At first I had thought I wouldn't tell her so early because "what if something happens"? But then I realized that "something can happen" any moment of your life and I'm the kind of person who likes to cherish every happy second for what it is. So, I told her she was going to be a big sister and *this time* I will never forget her face. Pure excitement. The thought of that moment makes me tear up every time.

I was thinking of a million ways to tell Justin. Put a bun in the oven. Have Chloe wear a big sister shirt. Tell him I couldn't enjoy a glass of wine with dinner. But finally I decided that the best way to tell him was to let Chloe do the honors. And she did.

Chloe and I had been talking about the baby all afternoon and she was so excited to tell her daddy. Justin came home from work and we were in my bathroom getting ready to go to dinner. As Justin was walking upstairs and before he got to our room I told Chloe, "okay! you can tell daddy our secret". He walked into the bathroom and she immediately declared, "Mommy has a baby in her belly and I'm gonna be a big sister!!"

Justin looked at me like, "what is she saying? is this right? huh?" I just smiled huge and nodded my head. He got a huge smile on his face as well and he immediately hugged me and rubbed my belly. It was such a sweet moment.

Fast forward to this week. Justin got home from work on Monday and said, "I got to hold Eli today and he smiled at me!" (Eli is our good friends Chad and Cassie's baby). Later when we were watching TV he told me "holding Eli today made me really ready to have a baby". Now, let me just say that Justin is not an emotional/touchy-feely kind of guy so for him to say that really meant a lot.

I am so excited to see Justin as a daddy of two little ones. He truly is the best daddy in the world. He loves Chloe with reckless abandon. I am so honored to share this life with him.

Encouragement

2011-04-13T20:31:00.003-05:00

Kelly Stamps is another blogger and she posted this song today. I was so encouraged. Let the words encourage you as well....

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Love you,

God's Blessings

2011-04-05T21:15:00.004-05:00

This was an email I sent to a few people close to me today, but I thought I would post it here also.
_________________________

So, I've been thinking a lot about God and our journey to have this baby. Often as we were waiting to get pregnant I kept wondering, what does God want to teach me? What am I missing? What have I done that he would withhold this from me? Very slowly I began to learn that He just wanted me to give up control of my life and my desires. I remember sitting at small group at Nathan and Sherri's house one night stating how God was teaching me that He was withholding the very thing from me that I desired most because, well, I desired it more than I desired Him.

It still took me a while to change that mindset and I honestly do not think I did until I started reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. My attitude and heart have changed so much over the past few months just realizing how BLESSED we already are (even without all the things we WANT in our lives). God has given us a million things a day to be thankful for (the cool spring breeze coming through the window, trees blossoming, a child who tells you "My name is Santa Clause and I just like to shake my booty at Christmas parties", DVR'd TV shows, and of course the bigger things in our life like our house, our family, our full pantry). Why do we focus on the negative? The things we don't have? The way we WISH our life was?

My eyes have been opened.

Funny thing is...I was beginning to become perfectly OKAY with God's plan and ideas for our life...even if that meant never having another baby from my womb. I just want more of God and more of what HE wants for my life. I was/am closer to God than I have ever been in my life.

I don't know why he withholds blessings from anyone else, but I *do* know for me it was to teach me to love Him the most and to be THANKFUL for the things He has given me and is giving me.

I asked for prayer this weekend that I would not forget what I have learned. That I would not become complacent now that I *do* have what I have been asking for.

I have struggled with understanding God in all of this and understanding if he really does withhold blessings to teach us something, so I wanted to go to the bible and see what it says. I stumbled across an article about Hannah (who God closed her womb until she gave up control of her life and her child's life...sound familiar??). It said this:

Suddenly, your desperation turns to a decision. It may be a deeper level of commitment or a yielding of an area of besetting sins or a response to an unanswered call or a vow of consecration in an area of your life. You are at a place, spiritually, you would have never reached if God hadn't closed the shut off valve of your blessings and caused your desire to turn into dependence, your dependence into desperation, and finally, your desperation to a time of decision. At this point, the child, the job, the finances, or the marriage are no longer the issue. The will of God is the issue. Now you don't even want the child, unless God does. You don't even want the job, unless God does. He may miraculously give you what you desired, or better still, just give you more of Himself instead. The key is that now He has your undivided attention, and is in the process of changing your life by withholding from your life blessings that you took for granted. So why God withholds from us becomes obvious. It is to get our attention.

Wow!!

...and I will end with that.

WHAT?!?!?

2011-04-05T10:29:00.002-05:00

On Friday, March 4th I had woken up just like any other morning. I had some normal pre-menstrual symptoms and knew my period would start the next morning. I have been taking some supplements to try to get pregnant, but they are not safe to take the second half of your cycle. I went ahead and popped a couple of them to "get a head start" on my next cycle that, like I said, I knew would start in the morning.

I had just put Chloe and the daycare kids down for a nap when I started having these weird pains in my inner thighs. In my weirdo mind I thought, "hey, maybe that's a pregnancy symptom". lol. I knew I had a pregnancy test under the bathroom sink so on a whim I took it. Immediately, I saw this:Now, let me explain to you that in 2 1/2 years of trying to have a baby, I have easily taken over 100 pregnancy tests and they ALL have been negative. There was not a QUESTION in my mind that this one would be any different.

My first response: HOLY S*#^! (sorry..it's true!). Second response: Thank you Jesus!! My second response probably should have been my first, but whatever. ;)

I could NOT even believe my eyes. I was in total shock, shaking like crazy, and truly thought I might pass out.

I called my mom. She didn't answer. I called again and again and again...still no answer. I called my best friend, Andrea. No answer!! DANG IT! I NEED TO TAKE ANOTHER TEST! I would have left to get another test myself, but I had other children here. FINALLY my mom called back and was of course wondering if I was okay because I had called and texted about 10 times. I told her I had gotten a positive test and needed to take another one NOW! She was at lunch with my younger sister (who immediately started crying when she heard what was going on) and said they would be right over.

They got here about 15-20 minutes later, I took the second test, and immediately saw this:

Oh my GOSH! I'm really pregnant! I brought the test down to show them. It had only been like 30 seconds and my mom *insisted* we wait the 3 minutes like it said on the box. I had taken enough tests to know it was positive, but I humored her. She set the timer and we waited. After 3 minutes, it was still positive.

We called my youngest sister to bring over some sparkling peach juice my mom had at home. She brought it over and as she walked in the door, handed us the juice and kind of looked like, what in the world is going on? I told her we were "celebrating" and she looked at me and immediately knew! She got tears in her eyes and gave me a big hug.

By this time Chloe was clearly not napping, so I let her get out of bed. She came downstairs, we poured 5 glasses of juice and got ready to toast.

I asked Chloe if she knew why we were "having a cheers?" She said no and I told her that mommy has a baby in her belly! She looked at me with HUGE eyes and a big smile and just immediately kissed and hugged my belly. It was the most precious moment of my entire life. She is so excited and that makes it even more fun for us!

After our toast, my mom and sisters left. I still could not believe this was happening.

Of course, now I needed to tell Justin. Stay tuned...that's for the next post :)

PS. I also have lots of thoughts to share about our infertility (and other women struggling through it as well).

Love Never Fails

2011-03-07T12:40:00.003-06:00

I just recently made fun of a friend for not writing his own blog posts and today I eat my words. ;) Go read this post by Big Mama. You will not be disappointed.

My favorite line: "I don’t believe any of us will get to heaven and receive a trophy or a plaque with “YOU WERE THE MOST RIGHT” engraved on it."

Too bad because I think most of us (including myself) sometimes think we would have the biggest trophy in Heaven!

Sweet Bennett

2011-03-04T09:46:00.001-06:00

I have written about Bennett before. He's the sweet little boy of my friends Breck and Brian. I met Breck and Brian during my time at MU. They are such an encouraging couple and Breck is one of the strongest women I know. I know that's why God picked her to raise Bennett. He knew she was strong enough to be the best mommy to a baby with Cystic Fibrosis. Please take the time to watch this video. You can visit Bennett's blog here.

Hahaha

2011-02-23T10:47:00.003-06:00

I have deemed March as De-clutter Month around our house. Yesterday I worked on throwing away and organizing our paperwork. Today I am cleaning out our bedside tables and other areas of our bedroom.

As I was cleaning out my beside table, I came across several old journals I had started and only had a couple of entries. This has happened with EVERY journal I have ever owned...I just can not stick with it! Anyway...in one of them I came across this "to do list". I'm not sure when it was from, but my guess was early in our marriage as that was when all the other entries were written.

I had some very practical things to get done. Justin on the other hand....

For a little closer look...LOL...I love my husband.

Ugh.

2011-02-23T10:21:00.000-06:00

Can I just be honest? I feel like a failure at life many of my days. I hate that I feel this way about myself, but it's true. There are SO many areas of my life that I feel like I totally suck at. Wife, mom, daycare provider, Christian, keeper of the home, etc. etc. I don't love my husband well, I yell at Chloe for little things, I don't plan enough activities for the kids, the laundry piles up and the floor isn't mopped as much as it should be. I'm losing grasp on eating well and feeling good about my body. I don't spend my time wisely most of the time. It feels like a losing battle. I make great plans of being better, of getting more done, of spending more time with God, of being a better mom and I continue to come up short.

Tears are filling my eyes because deep down I'm realizing that I just really don't even like myself.

I work really hard to be a happy, loving person and I think I do a pretty good job on the "outside", but inside I'm struggling. I know some of this has to do with our infertility. The thing I can't control I suck at (making a baby) and the things I can control I suck at as well. It pisses me off that I even feel this way. I want to feel love and joy and happiness in this life (hence the name of this little blog). I don't want to walk around feeling like an idiot all the time. It's annoying.

I continue to tell myself if I DO more, then I'll feel better about myself. But I'm not sure that's even true.

I hate sounding like a rambling, whiny baby and I know I do. But this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want, right? ;)

I am continuing to read One Thousand Gifts and it is starting to change my heart and to help me see the good that God has given us in this world. Why can't I see that I am good?

Am I alone in this?

It doesn't have to be perfect.

2011-02-17T15:35:00.005-06:00

Yesterday I asked about homeschooling and I got a few responses (thank you Patty and Kate!). As the day went on I began kind of looking at myself and thinking about why it has been so overwhelming for me to even begin thinking about it.

First of all, there is just a LOT of stuff out there for homeschooling: tons of curriculum, tons of blogs, tons of resources. The world is your oyster when it comes to schooling your children at home. The problem for me is that I tend to have to have everything perfect to get started. If a homeschooling mom has a blog that I like, I tend to want to imitate her EXACTLY and have every single thing she has and have it set up exactly like she has. So, I would go out and spend way more money than I should on getting our "classroom" set up perfectly and then be so overwhelmed with that process that I would just give up. I feel like this happens so much in my life and I typically really don't like this part of myself.

Last night as I was browsing one of my favorite homeschool blogs that I've followed for quite a while (and one Kate recommended), http://1plus1plus1equals1.blogspot.com/, I decided that I was just going to JUMP in with Chloe and quit worrying about everything being perfect. I have done preschool with Chloe on and off for over a year and she always really enjoys it, but again, I typically get so overwhelmed with things not being in perfect order that I give up. Ugh.

So, anyway, this morning she asked me if we were going to do school and instead of putting it off because I dont have the perfect schoolroom with the perfect supplies and the perfect teacher outfit, I told her yes! I went to the blog, printed off one of the Tot Books and we dug right in. Chloe LOVED doing it and felt so accomplished when she got things right. It was a great way for me to see where she's at and where she might be struggling.

Like I said, I've done preschool with her lots before but it's always been extremely structured and I have always felt so overwhelmed. This morning we set up shop on the kitchen table and just went for it, no pressure, and it was *such* a precious time together.

Here are some pictures. We used the Cars Preschool Pack from here.

First she traced her M's with a pencil and then wanted to trace them with her finger.

Next we worked on tracing our numbers and matching the correct number to number of cars. I was really impressed to see that even for numbers 4 and 5 she didn't have to count each car specifically, but could just look at them and know there were 4 (or 5) cars on that row.

I gave her the word McQueen and she put the letters in order to spell the word. There were a couple of times she would have letters mixed up and say, "Wait a minute! That's not right" and then go back and correct. It's so fun to see her little mind working!

This was probably her favorite activity. She had to match the shape but then also find the matching word to go under the shape. Before we started, I asked her to name each shape. The funny thing was, she knew hexagon but didn't know rectangle.

She liked to point to each letter of the word, say them out loud, and then find the correct word to put on her sheet.
Lastly we worked on patterns, which is also a favorite of hers.
I will be laminating these activities so we can continue to use them, as she loved the Cars theme. Working together on all the activities this morning got me so excited to continue teaching her at home!

P.S. This weather ROCKS!!!

Tingle and Olive Garden

2011-02-17T11:49:00.006-06:00

We have been wanting to take Chloe to see Tangled (or Tingle as Chloe calls it) in the theater for a couple of months. We had heard wonderful things about it and thought she would love it. She has the "Tingle" game for her Leapster and really likes to play it and has asked a couple of times to see the movie. So, Justin and I decided that for Valentine's Day we would take her to the "big theater" and see the movie and then go eat at Olive Garden after.

We were meeting Justin at the theater after he got off work. He was so sweet and stopped to get some fruit snacks for Chloe and Dove chocolates for me to have during the movie. The movie started and Chloe was so excited. The girl in the movie is cute as can be and she has a little chameleon that Chloe fell in love with. Fast forward about 45 minutes and Chloe was a crying mess. She kept saying she "didn't feel good". I knew that wasn't the case so I asked her what was really wrong. She told me, "the bad guys make me sad". I knew this was a possibility, seeing as she has cried at Toy Story 3 when the toys are in the trash compactor, but was hoping this one would be easier on her. Chloe is just SO tender-hearted and can not handle to see anyone else in danger. I love this about her. Although as we were leaving Justin and I both said, "Man, we need to watch some scarier movies if this freaked her out!" haha. I think we'll just steer clear of the scary movies and let her keep her innocent, tender heart for as long as she wants :) We did make her finish the movie to show her that there was a happy ending, which I think she did appreciate.

After the movie we went to Olive Garden, which was much less traumatic!

Chloe loves to use my big camera and take pictures and she actually does a really good job. She snapped one of Justin and me while we were waiting for a table.

The other people waiting with us were quite impressed that she could handle such a big camera. It was cute :)

Then I got one of my two favorite people in the whole world:

We enjoyed a really delicious dinner and when we were waiting for our check Chloe decided she wanted to play Round and Round. This is the game where you hide a small object in one hand and the other person has to guess which hand it's in. She named this game Round and Round because every time she "hides" the object she twirls her hands around and says, "round and round and round and round, NOW which one??" She could play this game for hours...and her daddy obliges her quite often :)

Overall it was a fantastic Valentine's Day filled with lots of love (and only a few tears) :) I am so blessed.

Homeschooling

2011-02-16T10:53:00.005-06:00

Justin and I have always known we would homeschool our children. There are MANY reasons, but yesterday I came across a post on The Pioneer Woman's blog that was written by a guest blogger's daughter and I thought it was so good I wanted to share. You can find it here. Many of the things she talks about are reasons we feel it's important to teach our children at home.

On the same subject, I have begun looking into different curricula as Chloe is only about a year away from starting kindergarten. Talk about OVERWHELMING! I have a hard time even knowing where to start!!

Do you homeschool? If so, what advice do you have? What curriculum do you use? Help me!!! ;)

Happy Valentine's Day!

2011-02-14T10:04:00.004-06:00

Typically Valentine's Day comes and goes and Justin and I give each other cards and say we love each other, but honestly, it rarely feels like something different than any other day in our lives. And I love that. I love that we kiss each other every morning and tell each other we love the other one several times a day. I love that I have a munchkin who gives me more love and affection in a day than I ever deserve. I love that I have a mom and dad who I don't think I could ever live without and the thought of ever living without them literally takes my breath away. Two sisters who are so much like me and yet so different, both of whom I love for completely different reasons but for the same reasons as well. I love that I have friends who I can tell anything and know they will still love me. I'm just so blessed. I have so much love going out and so much coming back. And it feels good. I love to love :)

So, tonight, Justin and I are taking Chloe to dinner (at her favorite Olive Garden of course!) and to see Tangled. I can't imagine any two people I would rather be holding hands with, sharing breadsticks with, kissing in the movie with. The two loves of my life. A perfect Valentine's Day.

I hope your Valentine's Day is filled with loads of love!!

Unspoken.

2011-02-13T19:43:00.003-06:00

We are making some really big decisions in our house. Please be praying for us. I will elaborate as soon as I feel comfortable doing so. And believe me, I hate "unspoken" prayer requests as much as the next person (which reminds me of this hilarious video), but for now I think it's important to keep it as such.

Thank you for your prayers!!

On a separate note...I won us a free professional photo session and I'm SUPER pumped! We've never had professional pictures taken! I can't wait to have some pictures of our little family! Guess I better work on getting my butt (and the rest of my body..lol) back in shape!

Eucharisteo always precedes the miracle

2011-02-09T13:23:00.005-06:00

Last night I read Chapter 2 of One Thousand Gifts and again I cried and my soul ached. Here's the comment I left on the book study blog:
--------------------------------------------

I can’t even begin to explain how this book is speaking to my soul. God and I have been distant for a long while. I have chosen resentment for far too long…being angry about what I’m *not* getting (pregnant)…not seeing what HE *IS* giving. This book is changing me. Changing my heart. Helping me to understand. The first two chapters of this book have done something in me that I wasn’t sure was possible. I’m craving God again. I want FULL salvation (sozo). I’m realizing that by giving thanks (Eucharisteo) for the grace/gifts, that is where full joy, full salvation comes. What’s happening inside of me is too much to even comprehend right now.

I prayed (*really* prayed) for the first time in a VERY long time last night after reading Chapter 2.

Thank you, Ann. Thank you for submitting to God and writing this book. If no one else (all though I’m positive MANY more), your book is changing *my* life.

Oh, and I’m planning out my tattoo of the 3 word constellation: charis (grace), eucharisteo (thanksgiving) and chara (joy).

--------------------

Anyone want to design that tattoo for me?? :)

Gratitude or Resentment

2011-02-08T10:49:00.002-06:00

Which will you choose today?

Word of the Year

2011-02-07T15:18:00.005-06:00

My mom showed me this gorgeous necklace this morning. It's called 'Word of the Year Necklace' and the purpose is for you to pick a word that captures your heart and then wear that word close to your heart. I love the idea.

Then my mom asked me what my word for the year is. And I struggled. I started last year feeling extremely hopeful and strong and ready to face all that life had for me. This year started with a feeling of defeat and sadness, honestly. A searching. Not sure who I am and what I want and where God is or who He is.

I told you in my last post that I'm reading One Thousand Gifts. As part of the book study, each week the creators of the book club and the author of the book are doing video blogs about that week's chapter. As the author was speaking something hit me hard. What she spoke about was in the book, but as they were talking it made so much sense to me and honestly, I feel like it may be a turning point in all of this for me.

She spoke about how when God put Adam and Eve in the garden, he afforded them every luxury there except the fruit from ONE tree. Just one tree. Their sin and our sin is ingratitude. They weren't satisfied with what God gave them. They wanted more. They didn't take the material world for what it is, which is a place to commune with God.

This seriously hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally have a picture in my mind of God saying, "Here Ashleigh, this is what I give you. This is what's good for you and for my plan. The other things that you *want* right now, they have to wait. What is best for you is what I have for you and what I've given you. Can't you see all the enormous blessings I've poured on you? Will you see how much I love you by those or continue to resent me for the things I've withheld?"

My word of the year is Grateful.

You're not alone.

2011-02-03T13:30:00.003-06:00

This month marks 2 1/2 years since we first started trying for a baby. I really have no words to describe all the feelings I feel about it. It has been a complete roller coaster and my faith has been shaken unlike I ever thought it could be. If I'm being really honest, it has been a struggle lately to even believe He's really there. I have told a few people this, but really, it's easier for me to believe He's not there than to believe *this* is what He's dictating for my life.

And then I read about a little girl whose caringbridge site I've been following for about a year (http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/mcraekate) and find out that her brain cancer is back and the odds of her living through this second bout of cancer is extremely slim. And my first reaction is, "what in the world are you crying about...at least THIS isn't your life", but then I look at Chloe and think about if this was my life and I about die right in that moment. How do you live through that? Why does God allow this? I just don't get it.

I know I'm not praying enough for what I want. I know the bible says to ask. But again, why would I ask God for something He's not going to give me anyway?

It's hard to put into words EXACTLY what it is I'm feeling about God and my relationship with Him these days but by no coincidence I'm sure, I have started reading 1000 Gifts by Ann Voskamp (she has an amazing blog here: http://www.aholyexperience.com/). This is a book study that Angie Smith (my hero/favorite blogger) is doing right now online. You can find the study here: http://www.incourage.me/category/bloom.

Anyway...as I was reading the first chapter last night I just started bawling. It spoke to the exact feelings I'm having and put into words what I'm having a hard time saying.

Here's what it said:

Is this toxic air of the world, this atmosphere we inhale, burning into our lungs, this No, God? No, God, we won't take what You give. No, God, Your plans are a gutted, bleeding mess and I didn't sign up for this and You really thought I'd go for this? No, God, this is ugly and this is a mess and can't You get anything right and just haul all this pain out of here and I'll take it from here, thanks. And God? Thanks for nothing.

I wake and put my feet to the plank floors, and I believe the Serpent's hissing lie, the repeating refrain of his campaign movement. That God withholds good from His children, that God does not genuinely, fully, love us.

I look across farm fields. The rest of the garden simply isn't enough. It will never be enough. God said humanity was not to eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. And I moan that God has ripped away what I wanted. No, what I needed. Though I can hardly whisper it, I live as though He stole what I considered rightly mine: happiest children, [children at all], marriage of unending bliss, long, content, death-defying days. I look in the mirror, and if I'm fearlessly blunt -- what I have, who I am, where I am, how I am, what I've got -- this simply isn't enough.

That forked tongue darts and daily I live the doubt, look at my reflection, and ask: Does God really love me? If He truly deeply loves me, why does He withhold that which I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy??

I know this has gotten long (sorry!), but as I read those words I just lost it. They are precisely what I have been struggling with....with my own infertility, but also the rest of the pain and suffering in this world. I just don't understand. I think this book study is going to be really good for me.

I don't really know how to end this. I really just wanted to share my heart. Hopefully I have accurately done that.

If you're struggling with something or just unbelief in general....you're not alone.

A GRAND vacation!

2011-02-03T13:25:00.001-06:00

This year I've decided to try to make this blog a bit more of a priority, so hopefully you'll be seeing more posts. My goal right now is at least one per week. We'll see how that goes :)

I feel like I have a ton to catch up on around here.

Justin and I just got back from the most AMAZING vacation in Grand Cayman. Our best friends, Doug and Andrea, asked us (and a few other couples) to join them in a gorgeous house on the beach for the week. We spent the 8 days snorkeling lots, swimming with stingrays, horseback riding along the beach, eating wonderful food, enjoying time with each other and friends, and LOTS of relaxing in the sun.The color of the water was unlike anything I have ever seen. I just kept saying, "I never want to forget what this water looks like!"

I was so proud of Justin and his snorkeling/swimming skills. He's not really all that comfortable in water, but he did much better than me!

While I knew I would miss Chloe when we were gone I didn't think I would miss her as much as I did. By the last couple of days I was DYING to see her. The plan all along was to skype with her each night, but the first night we tried that we both ended up crying. So, we decided it would probably be easier on both of us to not try that again! She was so sweet when we got to the airport. She waved really big and ran to us and gave us the biggest hugs ever. I definitely think our next vacation will be a family one :)

I will post some more pictures from our trip in the next couple of days!

Best Friends

2011-01-19T20:00:00.004-06:00

I have to admit that we got Nala because *I* wanted her. It has been so fun watching Chloe fall in love with her too. Nala really is so good with Chloe and she's been such a fun addition to our family :)

It wouldn't be a party.....

2011-01-14T15:47:00.006-06:00

.....without cupcakes!!

Chloe turns 4 tomorrow. I can't believe how fast she is growing up. People always tell you that time goes so quickly when you're older and you think nothing of it until you're "older" and watching a sweet little baby turning into a kind, smart, funny, tenderhearted little lady.

Let's Get Caught Up

2010-07-21T11:17:00.017-05:00

I have been working on this blog post for about 2 weeks and for some reason Blogger has been taking for-e-ver to upload my pictures. I finally got it to work and I have lots to catch up on! So here we gooooo.....

Here are the fun sprinkler pictures I promised. Chloe LOVES all things water this summer! We went to the pool yesterday and she went under water several times. It's so cute to watch her take a big breath and hold it while she goes under. What a big girl!! Last summer she hated any water in her face. This summer, not so much, as you can see from the following picture.

Here are Chloe and Ally just being silly. They love each other so much. It's such a joy to watch Chloe with her best friend. There is just something about little girls being best friends that is so special. Ally won't be coming to our house every day starting in the fall and both Chloe and I are really sad.
Ha! This picture makes me laugh every time I see it. She was mad that I had turned off the water and refused to come in. I guess she thought if she stared at it long enough it might magically come back on.
In June, Justin and I were invited by one of his co-workers to the Royal's game. Of course we said yes! Her husband works for Budweiser, so we got to hang out on the "Party Deck" to watch the game. It was free beer and hotdogs all night.

Royals playing the Cards + free beer/food = A Happy Couple

Surprisingly, we've only had one wedding this summer. Our past several summers have been packed with weddings, but not so this year. We went to the wedding of one of Justin's friends from high school. It was a pretty wedding and we had fun.

It's always cool when you get married and find friends that both the husbands and wives get along and really like each other. Such is the case with our friends Andrew and Molly. Andrew and Justin were good friends in high school. Andrew married a sweet, fun girl named Molly. Although we don't get to hang out with them as much as we would like, it's always fun when we do get together. Andrew and Molly were at the wedding we attended. Andrew was the DJ, so Justin hung out with him - turning out the beats (lol!), while Molly and I chatted at the table. We sat and talked birth for quite a while. Yes, she's a girl after my own heart! :) It's always fun to find another birth junkie!! :) Here's a picture of us that I promised Molly to "blog about" - hehe ;)

Chloe of course loved the bubbles at the wedding.

My very favorite thing that has happened this summer is baby Emerson being born. My best friend, Andrea, had little Emerson on June 25th. He is the sweetest, squishiest little thing. I am so in love. Chloe hasn't quite figured out what she thinks of him yet, but each time we visit she gets a little more comfortable with him.

Is he not the most precious thing in the world??

Here's a picture of Emerson and me the day after he was born. Justin's still figuring out how to use this new lens on my camera, so sorry that Emerson is not in focus - haha!

Chloe's other best friend, Loreli, lives in Columbia but she came to visit so we all decided to take another trip to DeAnna Rose. I really love this place. I think it's even better than the zoo for littler ones - way less walking and more things to do!

Here's a picture of the whole crew:

Chloe loves the goats and this was her favorite this time. He was standing on a tree stump and would not come down. Chloe thought he was so cute and took some time to have a little conversation with him.

Our little family :) Something else we're working on this summer is getting our landscape looking better. Our friends, Jenna and James came up for the day to help us out. James and Justin worked on the landscape while Jenna and I watched. haha. It was SO hot and the boys worked really hard and did a great job! We have more work (more mulch to lay down, flowers and trees to plant, etc), but here's a before and after of the work so far:

Lastly, I've got my doula blog up and running. You can find it here. It's a work in progress, but if you've been wondering what the heck a doula is, then head on over and find out ;) I have more posts in my head that I hope to get up soon (why I decided to become a doula, the story of the first birth I attended, etc) so keep checking back. I have a doula client being induced tomorrow and I'm so super excited!! This is the coolest "job" in the whole world!!

In a bubble....

2010-06-24T12:48:00.003-05:00

Sorry I have been so lazy about posting lately. I feel like I've been in a bubble for about a week and have so much I want to write, but haven't taken the time to sit down and do it.

Some super exciting things going on:
1. I attended my first birth as a doula last Saturday. It was the most incredible experience and I can't wait to tell you guys about it! I am working on making a separate blog for my doula stuff so I can keep this one about our family and my personal stuff, but I promise it will be up soon!

2. My best friend is in labor RIGHT NOW!!! Im so excited I can barely contain myself!

3. We have been enjoying this gorgeous summer weather and I have some really fun sprinkler pictures to show you!

4. This weekend we are busy with lots of fun. Tomorrow Justin and I are headed to the Royals game to watch them take on the Cardinals! We LOVE to go to baseball games together and we're super excited to see them play St. Louis. GO ROYALS! Then tomorrow we have a wedding of one of Justin's high school friends. I won't really know anyone there, but that's okay - it should be fun anyway... I hear there's going to be a great DJ (*wink*, Molly).

I hope everyone has a super fantastic weekend and I will try to get some posts rolling on here!

S.O.S

2010-06-15T10:14:00.002-05:00

See this sweet face??

It's not so sweet after 3 hours of trying to get her to stay in her bed. Bedtime has become a complete NIGHTMARE! I put her to bed last night at 8:00 and she finally stayed in her room and went to sleep at 11. I don't know what to do.

Our days are a tad chaotic with up to 5 children here at a time and the evenings are my down time. I don't deal well with Chloe when she gets up out of her bed no less than 20 times. I feel like a horrible mom because while I try to be patient, it's REALLY hard and sometimes I fail miserably. I yell, I scream, I grab her arm too tightly. It's just a bad situation. So, I'm calling out to the troops.

Here are the things we've tried:

Being really nice and putting her back to bed quickly and without talking (think Nanny 911)
Yelling REALLY loudly
Bribery (oh no, I'm not beyond bribing this child!) -- candy for breakfast, a trip to the pool, WHATEVER you want!!!
Telling her to just stay in her room. She can leave the light on, play, do whatever into the wee hours of the morning if she likes, but she can not come out of her room.

I do realize that this phase will pass, and that I'm going to miss this later. I get that, really I do. But seriously, for everyone's safety and sanity - this HAS to get better!!

If you have other suggestions or some encouragement, send it my way!!

Please -- somebody, anybody, help a mommy out!!

Warning: Long, vulnerable, scary (for me) post ahead!

2010-06-08T09:25:00.008-05:00

Justin and I are coming up on our 5 year anniversary. For some reason, as we come up on 5 years of marriage, I have been thinking a lot lately about our journey together so far - the ups, the downs, and how incredible our God is. This post is going to be super honest and vulnerable, but I feel like it's something I need to write.

Justin and I dated in high school (I was a junior, he was a senior). We didn't go to the same high school, but we did go to the same church. We weren't really "friends", but we were in the same small group at youth and flirted quite a bit -- kicked each other under the table, made googly eyes, you know ;) The summer before my junior year we went on a mission trip with our youth group to Montana. I honestly can still remember the day we were signing up and he asked me if I was going. I told him yes and he said he was going also. I remember my heart going all aflutter and thinking this was going to be the best mission trip ever. My priorities were obviously in line!

We went on the mission trip and had so much fun together! I will admit that he had a girlfriend back home, but neither of us really seemed to care (bad, I know). We spent tons of time together: talking, playing games, working, laughing. Everyone on the trip knew we liked each other - it was obvious. When we got back he broke up with his girlfriend and we were "together" the next day.
Since we lived in separate towns we mainly only saw each other on the weekends. We talked online into the wee hours of the night and sometimes talked on the phone.

Our relationship hit a roadblock when he kissed another girl at his school. I was devastated and he, in true high school boy fashion, could have really cared less that he hurt me so badly. About 3 months later, in true high school relationship fashion, we were back together.

Here's where my reflection has become one of thanking God for his amazing Grace, Mercy, and Love. Our relationship after we got back together was incredibly unhealthy. We fought a lot. I was super insecure because he "cheated" on me, he was into drinking and just being a typical high school boy.

We became sexually active that summer.

The implications of that choice still affect me occasionally today. Oh, how I wish I had listened to the adults that loved me and really understood (or cared about) what they were trying to tell me.

After that summer Justin went away to college. We continued to fight all the time. I was so mad at us for not living how we were suppose to, bitter at him for "talking me into it", upset that he was away at college and I only saw him occasionally, I constantly thought he was cheating on me. I was so painfully insecure and unsure of who I really was. We most often fought because I felt like he wasn't the Christian he was suppose to be. Honestly, at that time, I don't think he was ready or even cared and I wish now that I would have known it was never my place to try to make him into something he wasn't or that I was strong enough, secure enough in myself to break it off with him.

When I went off to college (a different college than Justin about 3 hours away), the vicious cycle continued. More arguing, more guilt, more name slinging.

I would go to church every week and "talk the talk", but in the back of my mind I always had the guilt and pain of knowing I was totally not "walking the walk". All my friends were super-Christians and I had no one to talk to (or that's how I felt). It was a really really hard time in my life. I would go back and forth about breaking up with him or staying together. Again, I was just too insecure, too emotionally (and physically) invested and I couldn't walk away.

Please know that Justin was never this "evil" being that it may sound like. In fact, he was much more patient, loving and kind to me than I ever was to him. I would scream and yell and he would take all of it and still love me (or what we thought was love) and still want to date me.

Finally I just decided that maybe if we got married things would get better. We could have sex without the guilt, I would be with him all the time rather than having to commute every other weekend, and we would *really* love each other. We talked about marriage a lot and decided we were ready.

Justin proposed to me on Christmas Eve 2004. It was the sweetest, cutest thing in the world. All our family was there. It was perfect. I was so excited to be married, so ready to finally be in the same town, and ready to spend my life with him as his wife. Wedding planning was so fun for me.

I will be honest though, in the back of my mind I continued to wonder if getting married to Justin was right. Even walking down the aisle I had doubts in my mind. I was super excited to be married, but I was also scared we may be making a big mistake.

Our first 2 years of marriage were *really* hard. Things happened that put us into counseling and almost caused me to walk away. We were so distant and bitter with each other. I would be mad because he wasn't the super-Christian-husband he was suppose to be and he would be mad because all I did was scream and yell and put him down all the time. It was just a continuation of our dating life except now we lived in the same house. When I finally hit a breaking point and wanted out, I was pregnant with Chloe. Had I not been pregnant, I'm not sure we would still be married. Chloe saved me from walking out the door, counseling saved our marriage.

(side note: this picture totally makes me laugh because it was right after Chloe was born. I was at my fattest and Justin was at his skinniest. lol!)

When we were able to sit in the counseling office and spill it all is when we finally had a breakthrough and could start truly loving each other. I was able to realize that Justin's relationship with God was between Justin and God. I could nag and whine and yell all I wanted, but that wasn't going to change Justin's heart. All I could do as a wife was to love and support him. As a Christian I could continue to try and live the way God wanted and let that be what reflected Christ to Justin (rather than my hateful words).

The interesting thing is that through all of this, I think Justin has truly been a better Christian than I ever have. He is so patient and loving. He doesn't yell or put me down. He really, truly loves me and shows me that constantly. He speaks encouragement into me and supports anything I ever want to do. Although he didn't read his bible as much I thought he should (this was a MAJOR fight), I think he really grasped what Jesus is all about far before I really did.

A little over a year ago we began going to Desperation Church. Through the sermons there, the people, the authenticity, the worship music, the love, Justin and I have grown leaps and bounds in our walk with the Lord and our walk together.

Justin's heart astounds me more and more every day. He is so loving and kind. His whole outlook on life has completely changed in the past couple of years. He's accepting of others where in the past he wouldn't have been. He's open to allowing God to make decisions in our life that might be painful or weird. He loves and wants to serve others. God has worked amazing things in his heart and in his life.

After 5 years, I can honestly, 100% say that I am so honored to be Justin's wife. I don't know if we were "suppose" to get married or not, but God has worked an incredible miracle in our lives and in our marriage. I love Justin more now than I ever thought possible. I adore being his wife and sharing this life with him. I often like him a lot more than I even like myself. It's funny, at the beginning of our marriage I was so bitter and angry that he wasn't the spiritual leader in our house and now I can't imagine wanting to "follow" anyone else. Tears are streaming down my face as I write this because God has been so good to us. His grace, mercy, and love are so evident in my marriage.

I can't even explain how thankful I am to our Lord and how much I truly believe that He is working in our lives if we will just let Him. My marriage is a true testament to God's good purposes for our lives.

My girl knows how to guzzle!

2010-06-04T18:28:00.011-05:00

Chloe drinks like a sailor. Okay, I know the phrase is "curses like a sailor", but I would assume that if sailors curse they must drink too, right? :) Anyway...since Chloe was born she has always guzzled her drinks at the speed of light. In fact, people often comment on how quickly she finishes her drinks.

Should I be concerned for the teenage years?? ;)

Blog Revamp

2010-06-04T13:35:00.002-05:00

I have been doing some housekeeping around here. Well, on my blog that is...not so much in my real house! I decided this little blog needed a new look. I wanted it to look a little more "professional", I guess. I actually did a few things to the HTML, which I totally have no idea what that even means - lol, but it changed some things that I wasn't wild about that blogger kind of "makes" you have (such as the nav bar at the top). I also made a signature, which I'm loving. I have kind of changed the feeling of my blog several times since I've started, but I like where it's going now. I really just want to write about whatever I want and not be tied down by a certain "theme". I enjoy doing posts about our adventures as a family, but I also like doing some more serious topics as well. I'm really wanting to be more diligent about writing here and I felt a new "look and feel" were in order for me to feel comfy writing here. I think I might be weird.

Anyhow...I'm liking how it's coming along. I have a few more changes to make, but overall it's feeling more along the lines of what I want.

What do you guys think about the new look? Also, is it slow to load or too overwhelming?

Let's go on a Field Trip

2010-06-03T16:33:00.006-05:00

I have this really awesome friend, Amanda, who organizes a playgroup every summer. Last summer I had good intentions of us being involved with it, but it just didn't work out. Anyway, this summer I'm really excited that we're going to be joining in on all the fun. Every Thursday Chloe, Ally (the little girl I babysit and Chloe's BFF), and I will be joining the playgroup on their many adventures.

Today we visited Deanna Rose Farmstead in Overland Park. It was quite a drive, but totally worth it. The girls had a blast. I was a little worried because Chloe started begging to be held right when we got there, but was quickly distracted by all the cute little animals and did really great the rest of the day.

Deanna Rose is a cute little "farm" with lots of animals, a bank, schoolhouse, Indian reservation, and playgrounds. The best part...it's FREE!

We started out looking at the chickens. Chloe loves chickens and thinks they are just the cutest little things. I kinda agree!

The girls found a bench that was just their size and took a best friend picture. Every time I take a picture of the two of them they always put their arms around the others neck. It's so cute!

Chloe, surprisingly, was a little timid around the goats today. I'm not really sure why, but she did finally warm up to this sweet little white goat and gave it a few pets.

They had a really big tepee with all the Indian things in it: skins, what they cooked with, blankets, etc. The girls thought it was really neat to grind the corn.

A little later in the day we came to more goats. They were behind a fence and you could feed them. Chloe decided she wasn't scared anymore and wanted to give them some food. The goats of course all came scrambling when they saw a little one with goat food in their hands. It was kind of funny to see them all fighting to get that little nugget of food. Chloe would try to find the goats that were by themselves and feed them instead of the ones who were crowding each other. I don't know if it was because she was scared of the bombardment or because she felt sorry for the little ones off by themselves. Probably a combination of both!

The girls held hands most of the day, which was good for safety and for my heart.

When we got to the bank you could fill out these little pieces of paper to get a scavenger hunt map. Ally turned our paper in and got 2 little maps. We didn't actually do the scavenger hunt, but they thought it was really cool for the banker to give them something.

All around the farmstead there were cute little things for the kids to do. Here Chloe is pumping some drinking water:

Chloe loooves horses and was so excited to see this horse drawn hay-ride. We didn't take a ride, but we gave the horses some love. Chloe kissed their noses and thought it was funny that they were sniffing her.

There was a cute little garden with lots of veggies and flowers. These were my two favorite flowers in the whole garden.

Overall it was a fantastic day! The girls behaved so well and had so much fun together. Can't wait for next week!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-06-02T16:55:00.002-05:00

Summer, Summer, Summertime...

2010-05-28T14:01:00.000-05:00

Summer has always been and probably always will be my absolute favorite season. Here is a list of 15 things I LOVE about summer:

SUN! WARMTH! (This is absolutely #1! I can't stand winter and all it's frigidness.)
Hanging out at the lake with best friends
Summer Beer (3 coronas, frozen lemonade, and a bit of vodka)
The smell of Chloe lathered in sunscreen and sweat
Riding with the windows down
Wearing flip-flops
Wearing tank tops
Royals games
Grilling out (another post on this coming soon!)
Fresh cut grass
Beautiful landscapes (something we really need to work on at our house!)
Outdoor concerts
Watching Chloe play in the pool/sprinkler
Lots of time with friends
Late nights outside

**What's your favorite season and why??

Life in the Smith House!

2010-05-24T16:14:00.001-05:00

It's been a while! Time for an update in the form of a list because lists make me happy. :)

1. We recently got a new member in our family and she is the sweetest little thing in the world. Her name is Nala and she's a yellow lab. She is much bigger than this picture. I need to get some new ones!
I have wanted a lab since I was small and I finally talked Justin into getting one. I'm not even sure he ever really said yes, but it was one of those things where I knew he wasn't thrilled, but he would let me do it anyway. She's definitely *all* puppy right now and loves to jump, chew, and act a fool. Aside from the normal puppy behavior, she is really very sweet and incredibly smart. We start puppy classes with her tomorrow. It should be interesting! I took her to the vet on Saturday and she was a nutcase. SO excited to see all the people and just couldn't settle down. Typically at home she's hyper, but not *that* bad. It was a little embarrassing actually. My hope is that as she's around more people and more dogs at puppy class she will begin to not get quite so out of control in new surroundings.

2. Chloe is growing so fast and is so much fun! Her favorite things to do right now are swinging, dancing to "Crasting Crowns" (yes, that's how she pronounces it), and going to gymnastics. She looks forward to gymnastics every week and is actually somewhat decent at it! I love that it's helping with her balance and coordination. She is now quite the daredevil when it comes to jumping off things!

3. At the end of April I went to doula training and it was so amazing. It was definitely a confirmation that I was born to be a doula! :) I love everything about childbirth and the idea of helping women have the births they want is something that makes my heart go wild. I had a young mom who was due to deliver on May 21st and went about a week early. I missed her birth because I was so sick I could not get out of bed. My heart was broken that I couldn't be there for her. Luckily I have an amazing back-up doula and she went to be with the mommy, but it still crushed me. I have a few more births lined up in the coming future that I'm super excited about :) I'm thinking about starting a doula blog. We'll see.

4. Justin and I have been working with the youth at church now for a few months and it's going pretty well. I feel like he's much better at all this than me, but we're learning together. It's definitely evident that the kids need a constant support system in their lives. It's really mind boggling some of the things these kids are going through and most people would never know. While we never thought we would work with youth, it has been a huge blessing and we're excited for what the future holds.

5. We're still waiting on a baby. I have kind of just quit worrying about it, but each month is still hard. I'm not sure what God has in store for our family, but I know it's all in His timing and I keep leaning on that!

That's about all I can think of for now. I'm going to try to be better about posting more often!

Your Questions Answered....FINALLY!

2010-03-11T17:43:00.001-06:00

Catharine asked: What's something you and your husband do to spend time together?

Our very favorite thing to do together is to try new recipes. We both love to cook, well, and love to eat ;) We are kind of home-bodies (him more than me), but when we do go out we like to go shopping, out to eat, go to baseball games. We don't make date night a real priority, but I think we probably should start doing that. I would love to hear some of the things you other couples out there do together!

Breck asked: What's the one thing you enjoy most about yourself?

This is a hard question to answer. I could easily list the things I don't like about myself. Ha! Something I do like though is that I think I am a compassionate person and care deeply for others.

Alisa asked: If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be?

Hmmm...gosh! There are *so* many places I would love to visit. I think I would pick Africa. The first part of the trip would be a really awesome vacation with safaris and amazing food and learning about the culture. The second part of the trip would be visiting a refugee camp, helping out and learning about the people there, adopting 6 or 8 of the kids and then probably ending up staying there because I am too in love with the people to leave. LOL. Yeah, that's why I don't visit Africa...because I truly am scared that we would end up never coming back.

Matt asked: What do you pray God accomplishes through you by working with the DC Youth AND why are you in the lead?

As for the first question: I am praying that God uses me to really show the high school girls that living passionately for Christ is what is going to help them have a full, happy, healthy life. I think sometimes in high school it is so hard to see outside of yourself and what you want and the activities you're in and the boys/girls that you like and the popularity contests in order to see that walking with the Lord truly will bring you the most joy (at least I know it was for me). I'm praying that I can make some real relationships with the girls and help them grow in their walk.

I have no doubt that they are going to teach/help me way more than I ever will them!

As for the second question: I think this is referring to the little contest of who would have the most questions from blog readers . I won. By a long shot. Guess I won *that* popularity contest. hehe... ;)

Melissa asked: What are some of the biggest challenges and biggest blessings of being a mommy?

Oh, I could write a whole blog post on each of these separately! I will give you my top 3 of each.

Challenges:
1. Discipline. Justin and I think it's *so* important for both of us to be on the same page, so we are constantly changing our "strategies" and re-evaluating how things are working with her. Love and Logic is our main foundation and it has worked well so far!
2. Not feeling like a failure. I often feel like I'm not being the best mom I could be.
3. Chloe's picky eating. The child has about 10 things she will eat and it drives me NUTS! I think we are quickly approaching the time where I tell her she eats what we eat or she doesn't eat. That should be fun! *rolls eyes*

Blessings:
1. Pure love. The moment I saw Chloe I never imagined I could love someone like that. In return, she loves us without reservation.
2. Joy and Happiness. I guess that's two, but they kind of go hand in hand. Being a mom brings me so much joy and happiness. I just don't really see the need in staying angry anymore when there is so much awesome life to live.
3. Getting to be silly. Chloe and I have dance parties just about every day. It's fun to just be silly and act like a kid and having a child gives you a perfect excuse to do that!! :)

Jennifer asked: What is something you want to do before you die, your bucket list?

Oh, I have lots of things. Here are a couple silly ones: Get a tattoo, skydive, and be on The Amazing Race :)

Thank you guys for participating! This was fun :)

Q & A

2010-02-18T13:16:00.001-06:00

I feel like I haven't had much to write about lately (or things just aren't coming out the way I would like), so I thought this would be fun!

Ask me anything you want and I will answer the questions in the next few days.

Fire away!!

Thankful.

2010-02-04T10:35:00.001-06:00

Do you ever just get completely overwhelmed with thankfulness? Like to the point where it brings you to your knees? It has been happening to me daily for about a month. For some reason, 2010 has had a beginning unlike any other year in my life.

They say your relationship with God has valleys and mountains and 2009 was definitely a valley for me (with a few minutes of mountains). At one point in 2009, I honestly told God that if He was trying to teach me a lesson through my infertility, He had completely missed His chance. I had been open to His lesson for several months and still no baby, so I told Him I was done with being okay with Him trying to teach me something. I didn't want to have anything to do with his lesson! How stupid. I have since completely fallen on my knees in forgiveness over ever telling Him something so dumb. I don't think God works like that and honestly even though I had said that I completely surrendered, it wasn't true. So, when I was thinking about my goals and what I wanted for 2010, my main goal was completely surrendering to God and what he wants for my life.

Our pastor is teaching out of Ephesians right now and for a couple of weeks we heard about how we are God's masterpiece, made to reflect the artist's heart. Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks. This life really, REALLY, really is not about me. It has nothing to do with me except for my life to reflect Christ. It seems like a concept we should get from the very beginning of making the decision to be a God-follower, but apparently I'm slow :) When I started realizing that this is all about God's plan for my life (which is the PERFECT plan), the ideas for my life and our family's are quickly falling away. I'm digging into the Word like I never have before to get to know God better, so I can reflect Him and His love most accurately. Most of all though, I am more thankful than I have ever been in my life.

When I look around I can't even believe I was having such a pity party day after day. I have so much to be thankful for. A husband who loves the Lord, loves me intensely, works so hard for us. A little girl who is the light of my life, who brings me joy every day. A family who is so close to each other that outsiders think we're weird. A house with more than we ever need. Clothes in my closet. Food in my pantry. A church that lights my heart on fire. A Lord who is in control and loves me more than I could ever imagine. Friends who really know me and love me anyway. The list could go on and on and on. It makes me want to just curl up in a ball and cry to think that I was dwelling on what I didn't have when all of this was around me the whole time.

One very practical way this new thinking has affected me is shown in a conversation Justin and I had the other night. Justin had mentioned that he would really like to get a new table for our house. A bar height table. We have always loved higher tables and it *would* look really nice in our dining room. As he was saying that, all I could think was, "But we have a table. I would much rather buy a table for someone else who needs it." That's not to bash Justin because he wanted something new (lol!) or to say I'm some saint (because heaven knows I'm not!!). It's just crazy how your thinking changes when you realize how much you love God, all that He has given you and how much God wants you to love those around you.

2010 is going to be a good year for so many reasons. But most of all because God hasn't missed His chance with me :)

Happy Birthday Baby Girl!

2010-01-15T02:00:00.001-06:00

I can't believe you're 3 today. You're no longer a baby. It seems like just yesterday that your daddy and I were at the hospital, pacing the halls, waiting for your arrival. The moment I saw your face I was instantly more in love with a human being than I ever thought possible. My heart became 100 times bigger. You were just perfect with your dark hair and chubby cheeks. It was absolutely one of the best days of my life.

I never could have imagined the joy and fun you would bring into our lives.

You have such a little sense of humor and say some of the funniest things I have ever heard. You're bossy. You love others deeply even at your young age. You're smart. You love to sing and be sung to. Your favorite song to sing is Mr. Golden Sun. You are an extremely picky eater. Your favorite foods are peanut butter and jelly, chicken mcnuggets, pancakes and macaroni and cheese. You obey so well and are easily disciplined. Your giggle is contagious and my favorite sound in the entire world. You speak way beyond your years. You love to be independent. One of my favorite things you say is 'yesternight', which basically refers to any time before right now. You love to snuggle...on your terms. It's mandatory that anytime Rocky goes outside he must first go through your legs and then out the door. You're sweet and kind. You're dramatic. You sometimes wrap your arms around me and daddy and say, "my favorite people".

You make me want to be a better mommy and woman. Your life has brought your daddy and me closer together and more in love. You set a good example of what real love looks like. I could not imagine a life without you. You bring bright beautiful colors into my world.

My beautiful, kind, funny, smart, loving, independent, sweet, darling Chloe....I love you more than measly words can say. I love you to the ends of the earth. I love you to the depths of the sea.

My sweet girl...I love you 'to the moon and back'.

Happy Birthday baby girl. Your daddy and I are so proud of you already!

Haiti

2010-01-14T09:39:00.003-06:00

Last night as I was falling asleep, all I could think about was Haiti and the horrific things they are enduring.

My thoughts went immediately to the mothers. Some mothers wondering whether their children are alive or dead. Some wondering how they will feed their children or where they might get clean water. Some writhing in pain from the news that their child was taken away from them too soon. Sweet children without their mommies. I can't even imagine. The thoughts make me literally sick to my stomach.

As I laid in my warm bed, in my warm house, that is literally 50x (if not more) the size of any Haitian's shack, God broke my heart in half for His people. Tears streamed down my face. I tried to hold back the sobs as to not wake up Justin. I begged God to give the people of Haiti peace and comfort, to remind them that He's there, to move in the hearts of His people that are more fortunate to give what they can (or even beyond) and to pray.

We will be making a donation to Compassion International's disaster relief program today. It's the very least we can do. I feel very helpless, but just $35 can give one family food and water for the week. Praise Jesus!!

If I'm being honest, I think we, as Christians, have no other choice but to help.

Top 10 for 2010!

2010-01-06T08:54:00.001-06:00

I have been thinking about my list of goals for 2010 for several weeks. Things I really want to work on, change, and implement this year. Here is what I have come up with:

1. Get involved in a ministry that makes my heart sing. This is really important to me this year. I have a few ideas of where I would like to get involved, so I'm gonna start checking into volunteer opportunities.

2. Get my house and life more organized. This is *always* a yearly goal for me and for some reason it's just so hard for me. I am really great at planning but really bad at executing. I'm a work in progress, I suppose. Baby steps.

3. Read through the bible. I got a "daily" bible in The Message translation (I have to say, it's really weird reading this translation when I'm so used to NIV. It's going to take some getting used to!) and I'm really excited about getting all the way through the bible this year. My mom is doing the same thing (although a different reading plan), so I'm hoping we can keep each other accountable!

4. Memorize 24 Bible verses. Beth Moore did this during 2009 on her blog. I'm just a year late :) I will pick a new verse on the 1st and 15th of each month. Here is my first one: "Let the morning bring word of Your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in You. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul" (Psalm 143:8). I have a little note card book that I'm putting my verses in so that I can keep them with me and meditate on them whenever (in the car, waiting in line at the store, etc.). If anyone wants to do this with me, let me know :)

5. Complete doula certification. I am going to training at the end of April (it was suppose to be in February, but it had to be pushed back because of lack of participants, which I was sooo bummed about!). This is my dream job and I'm so excited!! :)

6. Lose 15 pounds by the end of April. 'Nuff said.

7. Paint out bedrooms and bathrooms. It's killing me that our bedrooms are still beige. I have a few ideas of colors. Chloe's room is up first -- poor girl...what princess wants to live in a BEIGE castle?

8. Stop "actively" trying for another baby. This is a huge one for me this year. We've decided to let God completely decide what is going on with our family. No more stressing. I'm so over it!! If we get pregnant this year, I will of course be thrilled, but its definitely not in our plans.

9. Be wise with our money. We don't have a ton of debt, but we really want to completely knock it out in the next couple of years. In order to do that, we need to be even more diligent than we've already been about spending our money wisely.

10. Be more intentional about loving others. 'Cuz that's really what it's all about, right? ;)

So, what are your goals for this year?

I'm so honored to introduce....

2010-01-01T03:00:00.000-06:00

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******************
Ginger, co-owner of Creative Event Studio, is one of my good friends and one of the most creative minds I know and I am so excited to see her and Sarah's business get off the ground and am hoping them *much* success!

Santa

2009-12-16T18:22:00.001-06:00

Now that I've had my pity party, lets move on to something else!!

Disclaimer: Please know that these are *my* thoughts about our own family. I fully support whatever your family decides to do regarding Santa.

As Christmas has been approaching, something Justin and I have talked a lot about is Santa and whether he will be part of our family's Christmas. This is something I struggled with a lot more than Justin did. Justin was really fine either way. He tends to be the much more level-headed, easy-going one around here! Oh, you're not surprised?? ;)

What really concerned me the most was making Jesus first and foremost in our child(ren)'s minds during Christmastime. I feel like Christmas can easily turn into Santa, gifts, me, me, me, and that's not what we want. After *much* talking, thinking, praying, crying (yes, I cried over this as I was worried I was depriving my children of something) we decided that Santa is not going to bring gifts to our house.

There are a couple of reasons we came to this conclusion:

The main, BIGGEST reason: we want Christmas morning to be more about Jesus being born and celebrating that, rather than what Santa brought and what gifts we get.
I really hate the idea of threatening my children that if they're not good they won't get gifts on Christmas morning - does anyone really not give their kids gifts from Santa because they were bad? I tend to kinda be OCD about following through on my word.
I don't really like the idea of lying to my children. So many people compare it to other "farirytales", and therefore render it harmless, but I really don't think it's the same. I don't tell Chloe that Barney or Elmo are actually REAL and shimmy their way down our chimney.

So, here's what we have decided our ChristmasEve/morning will look like. On Christmas Eve we will bake and decorate a birthday cake for Jesus. On Christmas morning, the kids (yes, this is assuming we will have more than one!!) will wake up to JESUS IN THE MANGER!! (we will have had him out of the nativity set until Christmas morning). We will then eat birthday cake and read about Jesus' birthday. After that the kids will each have 3 gifts to open, just like Jesus had!

When she gets a little older we will talk about St. Nicholas and the godly man that he was. She can still sit on Santa's lap and be excited about seeing him (just like she gets excited about seeing someone dressed up as Elmo). He just won't be visiting our house and leaving gifts.

I'm so excited to make this our little family tradition!!

What are your thoughts? Its okay, you can be honest :)

What does your Christmas look like?

16 Months

2009-12-15T10:06:00.001-06:00

I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would not be able to have children.

I'm ready to get off this roller coaster.

I need a hug today.

P-Dub in da house!!

2009-11-18T15:59:00.000-06:00

Anyone that knows me knows I love the Pioneer Woman (real name: Ree Drummond). I talk about her like we're best friends. My family knows that if I'm trying a new recipe, most likely it's hers. In fact, most of the time when I'm cooking they ask, "Is that from Pioneer Woman". Not only are her recipes awesome, but her blog is one of my most favorite to visit. She's witty, smart, and talks about calf nuts (who could resist?).

Ree just came out with a cookbook of lots of down home, delicious ranch recipes. The cookbook is a perfect reflection of her. It follows the same theme as her blog recipes, where she gives you step by step (picture by picture) directions. It would be a wonderful Christmas gift for anyone who loves to cook -- or even better...for those who have no idea how to since she makes it *super* easy!

On Monday my mom and I went to her cookbook signing and it was so much fun!! She answered questions from the audience (one of which was mine!), shared her husband (Marlboro Man as she likes to call him) and 2 boys (aka her punks) with us, and signed cookbooks. She was even more beautiful in person. And I have to say...MM is everything she said he is (ahem!). She was even so kind as to bring us cute-as-can-be Pioneer Woman t-shirts.

Here are some pictures from the awesome evening:

MM and the punks bringing in our T-shirts

Oh hello there...

The beautiful Ree answering audience questions

Singing a little Ethel Merman for us (hilarious!!)

Todd taking a picture of me taking a picture of him (and MM looking a little concerned for Ree's camera)

Seriously...she has the CUTEST boys in the world!!

I got Todd to smile for me (is he stinkin' adorable or what??)

Mom and I wait in line to have our books signed. We brought PW some Smokehouse BBQ sauce and Bean mix.

Haha...at one point the boys got a hold of the microphone and started making noises into it. While everyone there thought it was hilariously cute, I don't think MM was all too happy as is evident by the "come hither" finger!

It was finally our turn!

Cheese! (I have to admit that I did crop my mom out of this one as I think she was checkin' out MM rather than looking at the camera!)

That's better

It was such a wonderful mother/daughter evening and I hope to get to meet Ree again (maybe I'll get invited to the Lodge...hehe).

Praying for Bennett

2009-10-04T14:41:00.001-05:00

My sweet friends Brian and Breck Gamel, who attended church with me in college just recently had their second son, Bennett. Sadly, Bennett came into this world having a very hard time breathing. The doctors discovered that Bennett had a bowel obstruction which allowed meconium to leak into his abdomen. At this point, the best case scenerio is that Bennett's bowel obstruction was random and he will completely recover. The worst case scenerio is that he has Cystic Fibrosis. The doctors are running tests and performing surgeries on the little man to figure out exactly what is going on. He will be in the hospital for at least 6 weeks at this point. Oliver, Bennett's older brother is staying with family and it has been really hard on him to only get to see mommy and daddy for short periods of time.

I am asking that you please join me in prayer for this sweet family. Brian and Breck have not been able to hold her newborn baby and as a mother I can not imagine the grief. Please be praying that Bennett's situation is a unique one and he would pull out of this a healthy little boy. Also, for Breck, Brian, and Oliver that they would be able to find balance in this hard time and that God would comfort and bring peace to their hearts.

I asked a sweet blogger (mommy2my9) to help me make a blog button for Bennett. Please put this button on your blog to remind yourself and others to be in prayer for this family.

The button along with the html is below. Isnt he the sweetest little guy? If you are using blogger, you can go to your layout, click "add a gadget", click the add HTML button, and then copy and paste the entire HTML from the small box below the button. The button, when put on your blog, will lead right to Bennett's blog.

Let's storm the gates of Heaven on behalf of sweet Bennett and his family!!

Top 100

2009-08-10T12:30:00.000-05:00

I have decided to make my way through Guardian's Top 100 Books You Can't Live Without.

You can find the list here.

I had planned to go in order and start with Pride and Prejudice, but the library didn't have it so I skipped to Jane Eyre. I still plan to go somewhat in order, but may have to do a little rearranging from time to time.

I'm not very far in Jane Eyre yet, but am really liking it so far. I haven't really read many of the "classics", so I'm excited to get some of them in my repretoire.

I like this list a lot because there is a good variation of genres as well as some new books and some old.

I do plan to skip The Complete works of Shakespeare (because there are way too many and I don't know what the heck he is talking about half the time....I may take a friend's advice and read Shakespeare for Dummies as a replacement) and the Bible (because I already read it regularly).

Have you read any good books lately? Wanna join me on the journey through "the list"?

A continuation......

2009-07-29T07:16:00.000-05:00

Matt posted this as a comment to my post yesterday, but MAN did it do a number on my heart. I just wanted to share:

We tend to think that if Jesus Christ compels us to do something and we are obedient to Him, He will lead us to great success. We should never have the thought that our dreams of success are God’s purpose for us. In fact, His purpose may be exactly the opposite. We have the idea that God is leading us toward a particular end or a desired goal, but He is not. The question of whether or not we arrive at a particular goal is of little importance, and reaching it becomes merely an episode along the way. What we see as only the process of reaching a particular end, God sees as the goal itself.

What is my vision of God’s purpose for me? Whatever it may be, His purpose is for me to depend on Him and on His power now. If I can stay calm, faithful, and unconfused while in the middle of the turmoil of life, the goal of the purpose of God is being accomplished in me. God is not working toward a particular finish— His purpose is the process itself. What He desires for me is that I see "Him walking on the sea" with no shore, no success, nor goal in sight, but simply having the absolute certainty that everything is all right because I see "Him walking on the sea" ( Mark 6:49 ). It is the process, not the outcome, that is glorifying to God.

God’s training is for now, not later. His purpose is for this very minute, not for sometime in the future. We have nothing to do with what will follow our obedience, and we are wrong to concern ourselves with it. What people call preparation, God sees as the goal itself.

God’s purpose is to enable me to see that He can walk on the storms of my life right now. If we have a further goal in mind, we are not paying enough attention to the present time. However, if we realize that moment-by-moment obedience is the goal, then each moment as it comes is precious.

TODAY'S OC

The desires of our heart

2009-07-28T17:45:00.001-05:00

A while back I was talking with a friend about how God promises to give us the desires of our heart. Her desire was to have a baby girl (she was blessed with a boy instead). My desire is to get pregnant (I have been blessed with time to draw closer to God and wait on His perfect timing instead). I think that sometimes we read that verse and automatically think on the desires of our flesh rather than what our heart and soul actually desire. I think what God is promising is that He will satisfy us completely if we just set our hearts on Him.

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Lovin' Summertime

2009-07-14T16:47:00.000-05:00

Painting a puppet

My little kitty

Water park fun

Hangin' out at the zoo

Cheeeeese!

Where have you been all my life?

2009-07-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

This morning I drank my first green monster. It seriously rocked my world! I can't believe I didn't try these before. I first came across these on Oprah when a women who was diagnosed with cancer told Dr. Oz she drank one every morning because of the huge health benefits of spinach. Looking at the drink I thought, no way on earth am I drinking something like that!! When I entered the Summer Glow boot camp I realized that the owner of the blog drank them too. I looked at the ingredients and still thought they sounded disgusting! The weird thing was, every thing I read said that you really can't taste the spinach. Yeah right, I thought.

They were right!! You seriously can not taste the spinach in the green monsters and the health benefits to eating spinach every day are out of this world!! I'm officially hooked and plan to have one every morning for breakfast. There are many different ways to make them and really you can put whatever ingredients you'd like, but here's what mine consisted of this morning:

2 handfuls of fresh spinach
1/2 cup fat free milk
1 tbsp peanut butter (for some protein)
1/2 banana

It seriously tasted like a pb banana smoothie.

Try one! I think you'll be pleasantly suprised!! :)

On the road to beautiful.....

2009-07-01T15:56:00.001-05:00

So, I have decided that its time to get my mind, body, and spirit healthy again. When we first started trying to get pregnant I really tried hard to get my body healthy again and did pretty well. Then several months passed and I was tired of working towards a healthy body because quite frankly, I was mad that my body wasn't doing what I wanted it to - get pregnant.

I am tired of "not caring" anymore and am ready to feel beautiful inside and out because I'm worth it. :) Pastor Michael recently preached about God calling us into the roles we each have (spouse, parent, student, coworker, etc.) and that He wants us to be the very best we can at each of those roles He has called us to. I feel like in order to better serve others I need to really be working on myself.

I have joined the Summer Glow Boot Camp (SGBC) over at ohsheglows.com and am super excited to get started. Today is Day 1 and I'm off to do my exercises after I publish this post. Not only do I want my body to be healthy, but I want my mind and spirit to be as well. So, I have come up with some habits to work on this month and we'll see how it goes! :)

Mind: I have much peace of mind when things are done around the house and I have a plan set out. I am going to work on making weekly meal plans, doing daily chores - especially doing one load of laundry each day (this is a huge source of anxiety for me), and having tomorrow's activities for daycare planned out and ready to go the night before.

Body: Eating healthier -- I'm not going to count calories this month (which is what I have done in the past and its honestly really stressful to me). I'm just going to eat healthy and in moderation. We just moved into our new house and don't have much food here anyway so I will be buying only healthy food and snacks. Also...I'm going to try to drink a green monster each morning for breakfast (I will post a picture of one tomorrow...they're pretty!!)-- I never eat breakfast, so I know this will help with getting my body going early!! Exercise -- Im going to do the C25K at least 4 days a week along with doing the boot camp exercises. This doesn't sound like a lot, but I haven't been exercising at all so it will be a huge step in the right direction!

Spirit: I am going to work on going through the soapy journal each day - my quiet time has deifnitely been lacking lately, so I'm excited to get back into the Word.

I feel like by working on each of these parts of my life I will definitely be a much better wife and mommy to Justin and Chloe.

So, I'm officially on the road to beautiful....

I'm just sad.

2009-06-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

Some days are better than others. Today has just been a sad one for me.

I'm trying to keep my eyes on Jesus, but sometimes I just get lost in the haze of my tears. Not being able to get pregnant is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with/go through.

I know God is refining me.

I'm willing.

I'm trusting.

I'm just sad.

No more sleeping in the pews

2009-06-21T15:44:00.000-05:00

In my "submission" post I touched on the fact that Justin and I have found a new church. Well, Desperation Church (DC) is officially our new "home". Justin and I went through the base classes (which are classes that people have to take to become members) and we couldn't be more excited. We feel so at home there and are SO excited about the things that are happening. I think the thing I love most about DC is that we WANT to go. I really get pretty bummed out if we have to miss a weekend and honestly, its been a while since I have felt that way about church. I believe, that is what God intended church to be -- a place where you're EXCITED to go! We are so excited to run passionately after God with a group of people who are just real and ready to love Jesus, not just in the pews, but everywhere.

One really awesome thing that DC does is that we have W.O.W weekends (church WithOut Walls). Basically we don't have our "normal" meetings, but instead go out and serve the community. WOW weekends are not about DC, but about sharing Christ with our community. It rocks, really. :)

The first one was to nursing homes around the city. We met with the sweet people living in the nursing homes. Chloe and I sat and talked with two hilarious women who just couldn't get enough of her. Others helped plant flowers, clean out basements, or do just whatever the facility needed. It felt awesome to be God's hands and feet that day.

The next WOW weekend we did free car washes and a community picnic. I think everyone had a blast cleaning people's cars for them and just allowing them to feel "special" for a few minutes while their car got a good washing. Many people offered to donate money, but the best thing I got to say all day was, "No thank you. We WANT to do this for you, free of charge". Isn't that what God says to us? We try so hard to "pay" him with our works or our earn our salvation, but instead He says, "No thank you. We (me, my son, and spirit) WANT to do this for you, free of charge." Man we serve an awesome God! I also have another story about this weekend, but I want to save it for a different post.

Next weekend we are handing out free bags of groceries to the community. I'm praying that people who are truly in need of these groceries, who maybe are having a hard time getting food on the table for their children, will get the flyer and know that we are there to help them out. Most of all though, I am just praying that that people, in need or not, will come and be filled -- with food AND with Jesus! Will you join me?

Time to Think....

2009-06-21T15:34:00.001-05:00

As the inital shock of the "april's mom" scam has worn off I can say I am at least a little bit less freaked out! Over the past couple of weeks I have been trying to decide if keeping this blog private is the best way to go. I DO post pictures of Chloe and information about our family, so that is my biggest concern. I have come to realize though, that there are people who have "subscribed" to my blog that I don't even know. I'm sure they are "friends of a friend", or like I often do, clicked from one blog to another and ended up here. While it's kind of concerning that I don't know these people, it also makes me think that maybe I should leave my blog open so maybe, hopefully, my words may be an encouragement to them.

I have found some "blog" friends who are struggling through secondary infertility as well and if my words about that can bring them at least some hope (just as many of them have brought me hope), then maybe its worth it to keep my blog open. I have gotten emails from women who are in the same stage of life and just want to give an encouraging word because I wrote something that struck them.

I just feel like maybe there really are more good people than there are bad and instead of letting the "bad" ones intimidate me, I will let the good ones lift me up through their blogs and hopefully I can do the same for someone else.

So, after some thought and reflection, I think I am going to make my blog public again in hopes of allowing God to work through my words and encourage others.

As well, I am going to delete the "april rose" posts I wrote because they really aren't all that important and its not something I want to dwell on.

Car seat safety

2009-05-23T23:05:00.000-05:00

I was actually working on a post on car seat safety, but then realized that one of my favorite bloggers already has it covered. If you are a parent, PLEASE head over to MckMama's blog and read this post. It's long, but its so important.

God, family, natural childbirth (warning: this is long!)

2009-05-21T13:52:00.001-05:00

There is not much that gets me super fired up (meaning heart-pumping, emotional, about to come out of my seat fired-up). Some things that do: Authentic worship. I could sing praises to God for hours and hours. Its one of my favorite ways to communicate with God. I sing at the top of my lungs and don't really care who is listening. Next: My family. Of course, most people understand me when I say that. When it comes to your family, ain't nobody better be messin' with 'em!!

Last: Natural Childbirth. Okay, I know this is a touchy subject and I know there will be people who don't agree. I'm really okay with that, but this is my blog and I get to say what I want, right? ;)

My absolute DREAM job is to be a doula (a labor support person). I have started the certification and slowly plan to finish it. If I could support women in labor every day, I would be happy as a lark. I would be even happier if the majority of those women chose natural childbirth and the incredible rewards that come with it!

How in the world did I become so passionate about this?

Well, my own childbirth experience. Chloe was born completely naturally, but not without a big 'ol fight. I won't go into the whole story (maybe I will save that for another post...I know you all are just chomping at the bit for that one!), but I will tell you that I never should have had to fight so much opposition from people and even more imporantly from my doctors.

I truly do not understand why this country can not get it together when it comes to childbirth. Natural is safest. period. Why on EARTH do we have a national c-section rate of over 30%, when evidence shows that 5-10% is optimal. C-sections are a SERIOUS surgery! We are 41st on the list of mortality of mothers giving birth in the world? Really? In the land of the free and the brave? It's astounding to me!

I'll tell you why we are failing childbirthing mothers: because our labors have so many interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to more interventions that lead to c-sections. So many women are induced for whatever reason (there are MANY and most of them absolutely ridiculous), which leads to harder stronger contractions, which then leads to an epidural because the woman can't handle the pain of the unnatural contractions, many times the epidural then slows down the labor progress (which happens to be 1cm every 2 hours...that's 20 hours, people!), so we kick up the pitocin and suddenly the baby is in distress....time for a c-section!

Listen, I completely understand that these interventions (drugs, c-sections, etc.) are there for good reason. SOME women do need these things because the labor isn't going how it should. I get that! I'm not saying no woman should ever be induced or have a c-section, what I am saying is that the number should be WAY less!

Here are some very important reasons why natural childbirth really IS best for mom and baby (some information from Natural Mothers Radio Talk):

There won’t be any reactions to drugs. Even though a large percentage of people do not experience serious side effects to drugs, there are still many mothers who do. These drugs can cause complications with the delivery and even afterwards - both for mom and baby. Babies exposed to drugs in labor also sometimes have difficulty learning to breastfeed.

Natural childbirth without medication helps to keep mom aware and functioning at high levels during her birth. Using numbing drugs that paralyze her from the waist down can mean the birth process lasts for much longer and mom and baby can get tired, leading to the possibility of a c-section. Anesthesia also tends to cause a “slippery slope” of intervention that can lead to induction and again, unnecessary c-section.

Statistics show that reduced medical intervention mean fewer difficulties during birth. This includes pitocin to induce contractions, breaking the water to start labor and even a planned cesarean.

Medical intervention tends to cause stress in the mother (sometimes without her being aware of it) and can cause labor to slow or stall out completely. Although some women report that anesthesia during labor helps them relax you so you can dilate better, other times it slows down the whole process putting you and the baby through a lot more work than is needed.

Since medical intervention often interferes with the normal birthing process it also raises the statistic for cesareans. Doctors only want you to birth so long, they say you get too tired and you can’t handle it, etc. Many times they could be more worried about getting it over with so they can get back to their families. This is another reason so many people have planned cesareans. **Don't try to tell me this one isn't ever true because my doctor DID this!!**

Interestingly, in other developed nations where home birth and natural birth are more common, outcomes are better and there is much lower infant mortality.

Our bodies were designed to deliver babies! God made women so that the birthing process could happen naturally. It's not an "injury" or something that needs to be fixed. It's a rite of passage for women and as women, we shouldn't take it lightly. I can't even explain the empowerment that came from having Chloe naturally. It was one of the most incredible, proud moments of my life!

My opinion (and really its backed by research) is that natural childbirth is safest for mom and baby. I am not going to tell you that you are stupid and wrong for choosing a hospital birth where you are most likely going to encounter most if not all of the interventions I talked about. My MAIN concern is that women are not educating themselves. Doctors aren't telling you these things, trust me! So, if the doctors aren't going to step up and educate their patients as they should be, then who is? So, my biggest advice if you are pregnant or thinking about becoming pregnant....EDUCATE yourself! Learn how your body works and the amazing capabilities it has!

Here are some really great resources:

Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin (my hero!)

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a better Birth by Henci Goer

The Business of Being Born (DVD)

I know this is a touchy subject, so I would LOVE to hear your thoughts! There is nothing I love more than a dialogue about childbirth! And yes, I realize you may think I'm a crazy hippie. I'm okay with that ;)

A post on Submission? I must be crazy!

2009-05-19T14:18:00.001-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I like things my way. Do I dare admit this? I often tend to try to control situations. Sometimes I'm super aggressive about it, stating exactly how I want things done. Sometimes I'm passive aggressive, stating exactly what I want and then quickly adding "but maybe I'm wrong" (although deep down I know I'm not!). It's one thing I really don't like about myself, but I'm a work in progress, right?

One area of my life that tends to be the easiest for me to fall into this trap is my marriage. I think the reason I do this is because in our almost 4 years of marriage I have relied on Justin to make me happy. I need him to make me feel worthy, to make me feel needed, to make me feel like the most amazing wife and mother in the world. Ha!

Spiritually speaking for quite a while I had oh-so-sweetly demanded that Justin be the leader of our household. He never lived up to my expectations. He wasn't close enough to God, he wasn't reading his bible enough, he wasn't praying enough, so of course I needed to take over! I was obviously the stronger believer and if he wasn't going to do it then move over buddy, I'll take the reigns. I had ~~nagged~~ reminded him enough times that surely God wanted me to take over by now! Wrong!

Surprisingly, at one point in the very beginning of our marriage (in the middle of my nagging, controlling, non-submissive tirades) I did submit to God's design and the outcome has been incredible.

Justin and I got married the summer after I left MU. While at MU, I attended an amazing church that really showed me what church/community was suppose to look like. Justin had never experienced that with me, so I came back feeling like the super-christian and like I needed to make sure he knew exactly how we were suppose to be living as Believers. I told him that we needed to change churches because the one we attended growing up just wasn't what we needed. He wasn't comfortable leaving and initially I was ticked. He liked the comfort of our childhood church and that even made me more mad. Comfort? Are we suppose to be seeking comfort as Believers?! I thought he was so wrong!! Slowly, and only with God's help, I decided to let Justin make the decision about where we would go to church. All the while secretly waiting for him to realize I was right all along!

We attended our childhood church for about 3 1/2 years. To my surprise, we were growing as a couple and individually as believers. Justin became a stronger, more confident leader in our household. I was slowing allowing God to show me that His way is best.

About 2 months ago, Justin and I decided together that it was time for us to move on to a different church. He was ready to find a place that would allow us to spread our wings a little more and that had more couples our age to connect with. This is what I wanted from the very beginning, but God needed time to work in both of our hearts before He decided it was time for us to move on. We are now attending a church that we both LOVE and are getting to know lots of new awesome friends. God is working to deepen our relationship with Him and with others.

I don't know what would have happened had we changed churches when I wanted to. I think, quite honestly, it could have been disastrous to our spiritual walks as well as our marriage. By giving up control, God has blessed me and our family immensely. By submitting to my husband and allowing God's design to work, our relationships with the Father are stronger than ever and getting stronger every day.

As I have been thinking about this lately, God is really showing me that His ways are best ALL the time. He didn't implement standards to make things worse for us. He has always had our best interests at heart. He wants nothing but the best for us. Why so many times do I allow my flesh to lead and ultimately cause me so much more pain than if I were to just be obedient the first time?

I am trying my very best to submit to God's timing daily in regards to our second child. I know God wants to do what is best for us, so I'm holding tight to that.

Is there something in your life that you need to submit to God? My advice: Just do it!

Chloe Singing

2009-05-10T20:47:00.000-05:00

Chloe decided to put on a concert for us tonight so I thought I would share.

The one song that you may not recognize is called the Unicorn Song and its only part of it, but Chloe loves to do the actions. The words are:

There were green alligators
and long-necked geese
Humpty back camels
and chimpanzees,
Cats (meow) and Rats (Hissss)
and Elephants
and as sure as your born,
but the loveliest of all is the unicorn

Enjoy! :)

The present

2009-05-04T15:10:00.000-05:00

Lately I feel like I have been on a roller coaster. One minute of the day I am rejoicing, the next minute I am so sad I can barely hold my head up.

Justin and I are in the process of buying a house. We couldn't be more excited!! It is perfect for us. Last night we sat and "planned out" our living room. It was so fun :) We had no intentions of buying. We had a duplex we were ready to sign a lease on. This house is owned by a family friend who is selling it to us for much less than its worth and our house payments will be the same or less than our rent payments would have been. In a time of "economic crisis", God has blessed us beyond what we deserve. I continually thank Him for the way He takes care of us.

I praise God every day for my sweet Chloe. She is such a joy in our lives. This age is SO much fun! She is seriously one of the funniest people I know. She has recently started making up stories. She has an imaginary snake and loves to ask you if you want to pet her. It cracks me up!

We are still struggling to get pregnant. I am all over the place about this. Most often I am at peace with God's timing, but there are definitely moments of abundant sadness. I have always known we would have several children. I had hoped the majority of them would come from my own womb, but more and more I am beginning to question that. I think God placed adoption on my heart a long time ago, but I just don't feel ready for that yet. I'm praying for the Lord to open my womb and allow me to carry another child. Will you join me in this, please? I think the hardest part of this is that I feel so alone. Justin knows I am hurting, but as a man, he just doesn't "get it". My close friends are amazing, but don't have children so its hard to explain exactly what I am feeling. I am trying to find refuge in God, but sometimes I just need a human shoulder.

I was reading another blog and came across the following devotion:

"There is no randomness about your life. Most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. They avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. They forget that they are creatures subject to the limitations of time and place. They forget their Creator, who walks with them only in the present.

"Every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a lifetime of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. Thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk along the path of Peace." Luke 12:25-26, Luke 1:79

Oh, Lord please help me to live in the present. I want to live my fullest life RIGHT NOW. I want to give up my dreams for yours. I don't want to let these precious moments slip through my fingers. Oh, God work in my heart so I may fully surrender to your plan for me and our family. Amen.

A really great weekend!

2009-04-19T13:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning my sister and I left for Branson around 9:45. We stopped at Fantastic Caverns on the way down to marvel at an amazing cave that you can ride through and also ate at the home of "throwed rolls", Lamberts, for lunch. It was a lot of fun!

We got to Branson at about 4:30, stopped at Walmart to get some supplies, and met up with mom at the hotel to make our Stellan sign.

We got to the conference center at 6:30, doors opened at 7:00. We got a really great seats about 5 rows back. We were so lucky that my mom has AMAZING friends who allowed us to use their wristbands for the concert (Thank you Patty and Vicki!) I was a little discouraged because we still hadn't heard anything back from Angie, as we had left her our phone numbers and email (although I don't blame her for not calling us...we could have been crazy people...well...crazier than we are!). About 6:45 I saw Angie's sweet daughter Kate bouncing down the stairs of a "staff only" hallway. Quickly after that came Angie's other daughters followed by their beautiful mother. I freaked out! I looked at mom and said, "THAT'S HER!" I didn't know what to do! I grabbed my camera and ran to her.

When I got to her, I introduced myself, told her we were the ones with the Stellan sign and she quickly knew who I was. We hugged and then things got a little awkward. Angie was trying to figure out a place to sit (for some reason they didn't have a reserved section for her and the girls), so a man who worked at the conference center told her they had seats available at the very top, which Angie kindly said would work just fine (meanwhile I was thinking...Ummm...DO YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS!? Are you seriously making her sit in the balcony?). She turned to me and said, "Do you want me to come over to where you're sitting and we can take the picture"? But the man kept pushing her along trying to escort her to her seat. Angie kept saying "I'm fine, really...I can find it", but the man insisted. SO, I told Angie I would come find her after I got my mom and sister.

We went up to the balcony, took pictures and then I got to talk to her for a few minutes (which felt like only seconds). I thanked her for being such an encouragement to me and so many others, we talked about Stellan, and then we hugged. It was such an amazing moment and I was on cloud 9 the whole rest of the night. I wish so much that I could have talked to her longer. Part of me wishes I would have moved seats and gone to sit with her up top (but I felt like that might be a little stalker-ish). She was just as sweet as I had imagined and their girls are cute as can be.

So, to sum things up, I had an AMAZING weekend :)

Here's me and Angie (isn't she beautiful?):

Our sign for Stellan!

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it!!

2009-04-17T17:14:00.000-05:00

I might be meeting Angie Smith (writer of Bring the Rain, wife of Todd Smith - lead singer of Selah, amazing woman who I blogged about here). My mom is at a conference in Branson that I was suppose to go to. Selah is doing a concert on Saturday night of the conference. I had emailed Angie to see if she would be there also. At the time, she thought she wouldn't be able to go. The friends I had planned to go with were unable to go, so I gave up my tickets. I was bummed, but not TOO bummed since I knew Angie wouldn't be there.

Well, last night my mom emailed Angie about making a sign for Stellan (a little baby of another blogger I love) and having Todd take a picture of all the woman at the conference praying for him. Angie said she LOVED the idea and mom got the feeling from the email that maybe Angie WAS going to be at the conference.

Turns out, SHE IS! I freaked out, actually cried a little because I realized I could have been there!, and then my mom suggested my sister and I just drive to Branson and see her! And I thought that was a GRRRREAT idea!! Lindsey and I are leaving at 9 tomorrow morning and are going to spend the day in Branson and then hopefully go to the concert (if we can find tickets -- my mom said she would give up hers!) tomorrow night. I am hoping and praying that she will get in contact with us so I can see her and hug her and tell her thank you for being such an encouragement in my life!! I can't even tell you how EXCITED I am about this!!

I really hope to have some pictures of Angie and me after this weekend! If I do, I will definitely post them!

AHHHH!!! I'm so excited!

Make that TWICE!!

2009-03-06T11:51:00.000-06:00

She peed in the potty AGAIN!!

I am so proud of her! She was eating lunch and told me she had to potty. I took her into the bathroom and she started squirming and acted like she wasn't going to go. I bribed her with m&ms and she peed immediately.

God is so good! A day that started out sad by finding out we aren't pregnant again this month, has turned into such a joyous day! It's the small things in life, right? :)

Life is good....

2009-03-06T11:02:00.000-06:00

Chloe peed on the potty today!!!! I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am about this. We have been working on potty training on and off for about 6 months and she just couldn't seem to figure out how to actually GO while she was sitting on the potty.

Not this morning! This morning she told me she had to go, asked me to turn the water on, and then peed!

HALLELUJAH!

**She may or may not have proceeded to pee her pants 10 minutes later. ;)

It's been a while.

2009-02-16T16:54:00.001-06:00

To say I have neglected my blog would be a HUGE understatement. It has not been for lack of things to say, necessarily. Maybe a little laziness. Maybe a little insecurity about the new direction I want my blog to take, but not feeling adequate to write about such things. I'm not sure really. But I'm back!

I have been going through a hard/weird time lately and am trying to find myself and my passions again.

Some of the more difficult things in my life right now are: Justin and I are on our 7 month of trying to have another baby, I feel like I'm just "living life" and not really passionate about much, I feel very distant from my close girlfriends, Justin and I are in the process of switching churches, so leaving our old church has been hard along with trying to integrate into the new church, we are living with my parents (which has been going wonderfully!!), but I yearn to have our own place again and am looking for places to rent that are in our budget (not an easy task!), and my lack of time management screams failure at me daily (although I am SLOWLY getting better).

Some great things in my life are: My marriage is going great and I feel like Justin and I are connecting, Chloe continues to be a joy and I thank God for her every day (I don't know how first time moms deal with struggling to get pregnant!), and I am in the beginning stages of becoming a doula (a birth coach/assistant).

I am working through some of the "crappy" stuff and trying to figure out practical ways to make each of the areas better.

I promise to be posting on here more and not wait another 2 months for the next entry! YIKES!

PS. I also updated pictures on Chloe's blog as well (chloeannsmith.blogspot.com).

Proverbs 31

2008-12-05T16:05:00.000-06:00

I have started, deleted, and restarted this post several times. I feel so inadequate with words sometimes. I don't feel I'm a good writer. So, when I try to write things that are in my HEART, the words just have a hard time coming out.

God is moving in my heart. He is tugging. He is showing me so much. I love Him more than I ever knew. I need Him more than I ever let myself realize. I am slowly giving up control.

The mission God has sent me on recently is to become a beautiful version of the Proverbs 31 woman. Of course I have read this chapter of the bible lots of times, have heard it preached on, etc. Honestly, I don't think anyone in my life has revealed the chapter to me as God intended.

In my life I have come to notice that the Proverbs 31 woman does not get enough credit. Some have told me that she is not really one woman, but many woman, so that I may pick and choose which aspects I want to live out. Others have said that she is just absolutely not attainable, so to try my best, but its just not reality to live out all she did. In all honesty, I think both of those explanations short change God (although I believed them for so long) and don't allow Him to work in a woman how I know He can.

Here is a descriptions of the Proverbs 31 woman I recently came across and I like it because it gives me an easier understanding of who she is.

She is up before dawn.
She has her own garden,
She makes clothes for herself and her family.
She owns and runs her own business.
She is a wonderful homemaker.
Her husband praises her.
Her children adore her.
She is intelligent.
She takes care of the physical needs of her family.
She speaks with wisdom.
She helps others.
She is in shape--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
She fears God.

God is calling me to be this woman. I know that by being the virtuous woman God calls me to be, I will be experiencing the glories of the life He wants for me. And there can't be anything better. I know I CAN become the ideal woman--not because of what I can do, but because of who He is.

God is revealing practical ways of living out His plan. I do believe that is the direction this blog is going. I want this to be a place where I can travel the journey of becoming a better woman. A place to document what I am learning. A place to "keep it real" about all my successes and failures in this journey.

About a month ago I began reading the book The Mission of Motherhood by Sally Clarkson. I HIGHLY recommend it for any woman with children or thinking about having children. After each chapter she has some things to try to help you move in the direction of becoming a better wife, mother, woman. I am going to start again at Chapter 1 of the book and post my thoughts and reflections on each Chapter and on the practical applications that I am trying.

Since this blog is going in a little bit different direction, I have made a new blog just for Chloe. I have moved some of the posts from this blog and I will posting anything new about her on that one. Its address is: chloeannsmith.blogspot.com. See ya there!

For your viewing pleasure...

2008-11-29T22:44:00.000-06:00

Twirling

Counting

My Addiction Became A Blessing

2008-11-21T14:22:00.000-06:00

Sorry for the lack of posting lately. I have been really wanting to post about what God has been doing, but I often don't have the words to fully describe exactly what I want to get across. So I'm just going to try my best :)

Hi. My name is Ashleigh and I'm addicted to blogs. I check several of them daily. Sometimes I check them multiple times a day for updates. Did I just admit that?

A couple of months back, I began reading a blog by Angie Smith. She is the wife of Todd Smith, who is the lead singer of the group Selah. At 20 weeks pregnant she was told that her baby would not live outside the womb and that she should terminate. She and her husband decided that God created their baby's life for a reason and that Angie would carry her to term and pray for a miracle. The Smith's baby, Audrey, lived for 2 1/2 hours outside of the womb and was then taken to heaven. I came into the story late, Audrey had already been born, but I started from the beginning of the story/blog. I knew the ending from the pictures on her page, but I found myself so wrapped up in each blog entry that it was like everything was happening as I was reading it. I would sit down with my computer and a blanket and let Angie's words wash over me. It was truly as if God was speaking to me. Angie's faith is unwavering. Her words were the most encouraging/challenging I have heard or read in I don't know how long. Maybe forever. Although they weren't her words. They were God's.

As I was reading, God kept whispering to me how much He loves His people. How much He wants to have a real, intimate, powerful relationship with me. I didn't feel condemnation for my lack of faith/walk with God the past few years, but I felt a yearning. A longing to just spend time with Him. I just want nothing more than to let Him be the ruler of my life. So, for the past few weeks, I have really been trying to seek Him and spend more time with Him. I'm not perfect and our relationship is strained, but I know He is in this with me and I know He is ready to take over my heart, thoughts, and actions and I'm so very ready to let him.

Angie Smith has been a vessel of God and oh, how I give Him thanks for her!

Through all of this, God has really been showing me my mission/purpose. It is something he placed inside of me (and I beleive, every woman) long ago. More to come on that.... :)

The Best Halloween of My Life

2008-11-01T22:18:00.000-05:00

I may be a little biased, but I'm pretty sure I have the most precious child in the world. Halloween this year was so much fun! The fun Chloe had this year was more than I would have imagined. My original plan was for her to be a skunk. Justin and I saw the skunk costume at Old Navy about a month and a half before Halloween. I figured I would look around a little more just to make sure that was the one I wanted. Well, I came back about a month later and it was gone (as were all the skunk costumes at the surrounding Old Navy's). So, I kept holding off thinking I would find a costume I would fall in love with. I didn't. Last minute, on Wednesday, we went to get her a costume. We came across a Goldilocks. I thought it was cute, but it wasn't my favorite ever. Until.....

I put it on her. I mean seriously, could she be any cuter?

The even better part was that she loved her costume. She begged me to let her put it on all day on Friday. She loved her bears. She loved her ribbons. She was quite the girly girl. As you can see, we also found an Elmo basket, which she adored as well.

Justin's work had a party for the kids, so that was our first stop.

She was a pro from the start!

I was so proud of her because she told every candy-giver thank you without any prompting.

We made a few stops to some family and friends. Chloe enjoyed seeing Jake Aviles as the Great Pumpkin and Lily Murray as a peacock. They were just adorable in their costumes as well.

Lastly, we trick or treated around our neighborhood.

I kept asking Chloe, "Do you want to go home or do you want to keep trick or treating?"

Of course, she said, "Trick or!"

I can confidently say this was the best Halloween I have ever had.

And judging from this picture, it may have been Chloe's too:

Mommy has a new baby!

2008-10-21T15:22:00.001-05:00

Sunday was my birthday. It was pretty low-key. We had a pot-luck at church for our pastor because his birthday is this week....but secretly, my family was actually using it for MY birthday lunch (sneaky, huh?). One of my mom's friends loves to take pictures and she came up to us and asked us to get together for a family picture.

As I was looking into her camera, I realized she had the camera that I have been wanting and saving up for for months. I asked her if it was new and she said, "Yeah, but I haven't really figured out how to view the pictures...can you show me?" Of course I said yes because 1) I just wanted to touch it and 2) I knew how to view the pictures.

So, I show her how and scroll through and this is what I see:

THE CAMERA WAS MINE!!! They seriously fooled me and I was so excited!

Here's a picture of my new baby:

ln fact, Justin told Chloe "Mommy has a new baby now" - lol!

Be on the lookout for lots of new pictures here! :)

I will hide Your word in my heart

2008-10-20T15:02:00.000-05:00

This past weekend I attended a women's retreat that our church put on. It was such a wonderful time of laughter, tears, and renewal. There was a great speaker as well as break-out sessions on different topics. My second breakout session was called, "Teaching your Children the Word of God". It was amazing. The woman who led the class was named Karen Eppler. She has been teaching her grandchildren bible verses through very creative means and I was so encouraged! I can not WAIT to start teaching Chloe the verses and for her to have them hidden in her heart at such an early age. It makes me tear up just thinking about it. Karen's grand-daughter (Miriam), who was probably about 7 or so, was there and recited some of the verses for us. Karen was telling us that Miriam knows about 500 verses - including some complete chapters of the bible. It was so amazing. If you are interested in some of Karen's curriculums you can go here and click on Scripture Memory. She has a picture card and a song that goes with each verse. Here is an example (sorry its fuzzy):

M&M

2008-10-03T14:25:00.000-05:00

My Little Con Artist

2008-10-03T12:25:00.001-05:00

I started trying to potty train Chloe a little over a month ago. She was giving me lots of clues that she was ready, so I decided to give it a shot. It was a HORRIBLE week. The first day she peed in her panties all day. The next day she held her pee the entire day. The third day she was just mad and didn't want to have anything to do with it. I tried several different things with her: I gave her lots of toys to play with on the potty, we got Elmo panties (which she LOVES), I would give her a couple of mini M&Ms if she went on the potty. These were all great ideas, but none of them could help her relax enough to actually let her pee out. So, we decided to give it a rest for a while. Every once in a while she will go pee-pee on the potty and each time I give her a couple of mini M&Ms (I will try to post a video of her saying M&M because its quite possibly the cutest thing you have ever heard).

Anyway...fast forward to yesterday. She gives some pretty tell-tale signs that she's going poopy, so yesterday when she was doing her "poopy dance", I decided to sit her on the potty. She went on the potty and I was so proud of her! I got her some M&Ms and she was happy!

Last night we took her to her grandparents house to play for a while. When Justin and I came back to get her, here is the conversation we had on the way home:

Me: Did you have fun with grandma and grandpa?
Chloe: Yeah! Pee-pee!
Me: You went pee-pee? Did you go pee-pee on the potty??
Chloe: Yeah! M&M!
Me: Oh, really? I think grandma would have told me that!

So, basically we have learned that our daughter is a con artist! She thought if she told me she went pee-pee on the potty (which she DIDN'T do!) I would give her an M&M.

How do they know how to lie and manipulate at such an early age?

I think Justin and I are in for a long 18 years!

Are YOU talking to ME?

2008-10-02T15:12:00.001-05:00

Chloe has been amazing me lately with her language. I really have no idea whether she is on pace, ahead, or behind with her skills. It doesn't matter to me. It used to. When she was about a year old, I worried that her language was delayed and she would never talk. First-time mommy anxiety, I guess. But now, we just go with the flow. I don't care about what's "textbook" anymore. She is her own person and will develop at her own pace.

When she says new words I get so excited. I love to see her little brain work things out. Its so fun to see her connect objects or happenings with words. Lately she has been making sentences. -- 2-word sentences and some of them aren't grammatically correct, but I don't care, they are sentences none-the-less.

Her new sentences are:

*I eat. She first said this when she was talking to her daddy on the phone. He asked her what she was doing and she said "I eat." Sure enough, she was eating at the time!

*Go home! She loves to say this one after preschool when she is tired and ready for her lunch.

*This Momma's. One night I had a bottle of water and Justin wanted a drink, so I handed it to him. He was holding it after he was done and Chloe came up and took it from him and said "this momma's!"

*Nana, bye bye. She has learned to address people when speaking to them now. My mom (Nana) was not listening one day when Chloe was saying bye bye repeatedly, so she said, "Nana! Bye bye!"

Those are a few of the sentences I can remember right now. I can't even imagine when she will start talking in full sentences. Although, I'm sure it won't be long.....

Time flies when you're having fun!!

Somewhere In Between....

2008-09-25T21:27:00.000-05:00

For all of Chloe's life (which I realize hasn't really been all that long), she has fit into the size clothes that were designed for her age. When she was 3 months she wore 3 month clothes, 6 months she wore 6 month clothes...you get the idea.

Enter her 1st birthday. She had a wonderful party. Lots of friends joined us and blessed her with tons of clothes. Most of the clothes were 18 months because I had told people she would be in them soon. WRONG! She is now 20 months old and she STILL does not wear 18 month clothes. Somewhere in there she decided it was a good idea to stop growing. The problem is: she's not in 12 month clothes either. If you know anything about baby clothes, there is nothing in between 12 months and 18 months.

So, my baby runs around with a onesie that is too small and pants that are too big.

If I put her in 12 month jeans they look like capris, but 18 month jeans make her look like a gansta.

What's a momma to do?

A few of my favorite things

2008-09-09T12:52:00.000-05:00

Riding in the car with my windows down, my radio blaring, and singing at the top of my lungs (when Chloe's not with me, of course)

Chloe's giggles

Authentic relationships, especially with other women

Dancing (and I mean like...gettin' down with your bad self kind of dancing)

Babies

Christmas

A really great book

Laying in the sun

Feeling pretty

Watching Justin play with Chloe

Uninhibited laughter

The smell of springtime (magnolias, lilacs...)

Being at the lake with friends

Cool mornings

Being healthy (eating right and exercising)...I definitely don't do this one enough!

Talking about birth

Snuggling

Pedicures

Great food

Becoming more like Christ

When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad....I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel soooo bad.

I think I'm ready

2008-09-08T15:23:00.001-05:00

I have always known I wanted to be a mommy. When I was little, in daycare, I would take all of the younger kids under my wing and "mother" them. At 4, "mothering" to me was just basically telling other kids what to do. Man, I was bossy! Anyway...God put something inside of me that sets my heart ablaze when I think about being pregnant, having babies, and raising children. Justin and I only waited about 8 months before we decided we were ready for babies. When I found out I was pregnant with Chloe, I couldn't have been more happy! I actually couldn't even wait long enough to get home to take the pregnancy test, so I took it in the Target bathroom. I'm a dork, I know. I called Justin, who was at work, and asked if I could come by and have lunch with him. Over a gourmet Arby's lunch, I told Justin he was going to be a daddy. I will never forget that moment. We told our parents that same night. It was so exciting.

As with being a mommy, I also knew I wanted to have lots of kids. More than 4. I'm still not sure Justin is on board with me about this. I always thought I would want my children just one right after the other. I never took into account that the first one might fill my heart so full that I would feel like I may not have enough room for any more. For about the first 15 months of Chloe's life I just was not ready to have another baby (something I never ever imagined I would feel). I had so many fears (some of which I still have) about whether I could love the second as much, whether I have enough time in the day to really nurture both of them...and the list goes on.

Chloe is now 20 months and I think I'm ready for the next one. I'm excited to be pregnant again. I'm ready to breastfeed (something I failed miserably at with Chloe). I want to snuggle a tiny little bundle again. I can't wait to see Chloe as a big sister. I finally feel like my excitement outweighs my apprehensions.

So...all that to say: Bring on the baby makin'! ;)

And just for your enjoyment (and because I think this picture is hilarious):

Umm...so where do I start?

2008-09-03T12:37:00.000-05:00

Today's post is the reason I never wanted to start a blog in the first place. Where the heck do I start? Chloe's 1st birthday? Chloe's birth? Our wedding? High school? MY birth? lol. I really don't want to have 10 posts just getting everyone up to speed on our lives. SO, I have decided to post some old pictures of Chloe and then make my next post start in the present. Today. Right now. I never liked history much anyway ;)

So, here is a look at our little princess.

The day she was born (January 15, 2007):

3 Months:

6 months:

9 months:

1 year:

18 months:

Ain't she darn cute?

Here We Go....

2008-09-02T23:50:00.001-05:00

I have toyed with the idea of starting a blog for quite some time now. For some reason, the task just seemed so daunting. And quite frankly, starting this thing and making it pretty wasn't the easiest thing in the world. Naming this thing took me several hours. seriously. I kept wanting a web address that used our last name. Having the last name Smith really worked against me. Apparently every person on the face of the earth with the name Smith has a blog because EVERY possible Smith title is taken. I finally gave up on that and decided to go in a different direction. I chose things I believe in. Love. Joy. and Laughter. I like it.

I want this blog to be a place where I can keep others up to date on our lives, but I also want it to be a place where I can write about anything else that strikes my fancy (lol - get ready!).

I really feel quite out of place in the blogosphere. I read several blogs daily. In future posts I will try to let you know which ones I absolutely love. Most of the blogs I read are written by friends, women who inspire me, women who are in the same boat as me (wife, momma, sister, etc), or blogs that are just dang funny. Anywho...many of these bloggers are great writers. I am not. I have decided to put my lack of writing skills behind me and finally give this blogging thing a whirl.

So, here's to great blogs and to hoping someday mine is atleast good!